everything

chapter 5

it's been a long day. i open the door to my dorm and bury myself in my bed. i've been studying non-stop for the past few days. it's about 9pm and i just came back from the library. my brain is about to explode.

i sit up on the bed and decided to take a break from studying and go out. bella texted me saying she's coming late so i figured since i haven't taken a proper look at the university so i put on some comfy sweatpants and a black hoodie. i grab my phone and keys head out.

i've been walking for about 10 minutes and i don't know how i got here but i'm here. but i'm on the way to go to the roof of the university's coffee stop. i head upstairs and see the door, surprisingly there isn't a sign that says not to open. i push the door open and the cold breeze hits my face. i look around see red solo cups everywhere, empty alcohol bottles. i guess people here really like to party.

i walk over to the edge of the roof and sit letting my legs freely dangle down. i put on my earphones and listen to some calming and low music as i look the stunning skyscrapers in front of me. i hesitantly look down below my feet just to see how high i really am. holy shit. if i die, that's going to be a very painful death. i'm moments like these where i'm alone with my thoughts, really help me understand my emotions. i push myself further the edge so i can take a picture of the amazing view, as soon as i took my phone out i heard a voice.

"you can fall by the way" the voice says.

i get chills. i instantly know who that voice is. ethan.

i look over to my left and see him sitting down on the floor with his back onto the the wall. one of his legs was down and the other had his elbow resting on it. he had cigarette in his hand also. he was wearing black jeans and a loose white shirt. his dark circles were very prominent. it looks like he didn't sleep in days.

i can't believe i didn't notice him when i came up here.

"it's not like you would care if i fell" i murmur back looking at him.

he stares at me and i feel a weird pit in my stomach. he's so intimidating.

"you're right" he replies back with zero emotion.

i look back to the view, trying to forget that he's a few meters away from me. after a few moments he speaks up again.

"are you scared of me?" he speaks up surprisingly. why would he ask me that?. i was caught very off guard by it.

"no" i say blunt removing my eyes from the view to look at him. knowing i'm lying but i'm not giving him that satisfaction of letting him i am actually scared of them. shockingly he was already looking at me.

"i think you are" he pushes.

"i'm not, ethan" i reply back a little more aggressive, looking down.

"okay" he replies back coldly.

"you major in psychology, yeah?". how does he know?

"yeah" i reply back being dry.

"what about you" i say.

"what about me?"

"what do you major in"

"psychology"

so we major in the same thing. excellent. i wouldn't expect him to major in psychology. i would've guessed business.

"why psychology?" i speak up again.

"why not psychology" he replies.

why is he so difficult to speak to. 

"i guess i didn't see you as the psychology type" i say keeping my gaze at him.

he puts the cigarette back in mouth, looks at the view and me again.

"you don't know me, kayla". he says in a harsh tone.

i'm surprised he knows my name. didn't think he would.

"i never said i did" i say back low. a few seconds pass and there's already so much tension. i just asked him a simple question not a complicated one. 

"why don't you like me?" i blurted out. surprised by my choice of words.

he looks at me with a facial expression like it caught him off guard. now i regret even opening my mouth.

"who says i don't like you?" he says while blowing the smoke out of his mouth.

is he being serious?

"you make it VERY clear you don't like me" i emphasize on the very. i know he doesn't like me. he can't deny it.

"so what" he says again with no emotion in his voice.

"i just wanna know what i did" i state, making myself clear.

he looks back at the view with his cigarette and doesn't respond. ok so i'm not getting an answer. fuck this.

"how long you have guys been friends" i speak up, trying to break the tension.

"who". am i stupid or is it him?

"bella, blair, bryce..., all of them"

"long time" he replied vaguely.

"you've known them before uni?" i ask trying to get something out of him.

he takes a puff from his cigarette and slightly nods.

it's just silence.

"why did you choose this uni" i speak up- again.

"didn't want to come to uni but i had to"  he replies coldly.

"why"

"why do you ask so many fucking questions?" he says as he give me a cold glare.

i decided to stop trying to talk to him because clearly it's impossible. he looks so tired and drained.

i don't reply. we just continue staring at each other. he looks at me like he's trying to read me.

i look back in the night sky new with so many stars in the sky. i love views. i always loved admiring sunsets, stars and sunrsies. it always brang me some sort of peace. looking the this sunset really makes me reflect on my life. in times like this where i get in my own head i think there are so many things wrong with me. i feel like i constantly strive to be a better person but my brain just doesn't let me somehow. that doesn't even make sense. it's almost like i want to improve myself for the better but theres a part of me that doesn't want it to happen. why the fuck am i getting so deep in my head right now.  

what an amazing time for a self relfection. 

i hear shuffling beside me, i look over and see ethan getting up and walking towards the door, leaving. 

- 

short but hope you enjoyed <3