from the vault | a collection of old kellic stories

The One

Written 2/16/16

Kellin.

We laid in his bed side by side, our limbs still tangled together in the cream sheets, pale skin mixing with brown in the most flawless way, we looked at each other like the past year hadn't happened, like I never left, like we still loved each other. Well, he looked at me like he still loved me. And that killed me.

He softly placed his hand on my cheek and I had to close my eyes, embracing the warmth that his touch send down my body. He caressed my skin and I could feel myself starting to blush. He chuckled.

"You haven't changed a thing." He said and I opened my eyes to see him smiling softly at me. I didn't have the heart to return that smile, though. He couldn't be more wrong about that statement.

I put my hand over his and caressed his skin just like I used to do before everything happened. Maybe this is where I truly belong, right here in Vic's arms. Maybe Vic is it for me. Maybe...

"I'm so glad you're back." He whispered, looking deeply into my eyes and in that moment what we did finally downed on me, and I had to look away from him to hide all the guilt that started filling me. 

Shit, most of the time I don't know why I do the things I do, but this right here, this is the biggest proof of that.

"Kell," he started again and at the sound of his voice saying that nickname again I had to remove his hand from my face and sit up. I know that by doing that I had hurt him again in the worst kind of way. I tried to drown this feeling though, and I scanned the room in search for my clothes. I had to go, I had to get out of here.

I found my boxers on the floor by my side and picked them up quickly to put them on and get out of the bed. Vic kept repeating my name but I kept ignoring him.

I didn't even know what to feel, or how to feel. All my brain could think of was why, why, why and I couldn't shut it up. Stop thinking, Kellin. Stop thinking. Just put on your damn clothes back on and leave.

I walked around the room and found my sweater and my jeans on the floor. And I tried really hard not to think about the circumstances that led them ending up there. I put them on avoiding looking at Vic who was now sitting on the bed.

"Kellin!" He yelled and I finally snapped my head in his direction. I couldn't describe the look on his face. It was a mixture of sadness, confusion and... disappointment. I tried to hold back my tears.

How could I do this to him? How could I do this to myself? He's too good for this world, he deserves to be happy. He's got a heart made of gold, but instead he's hung up on me. What do I have that he can't let me go. And why do I keep coming back to him? I thought I was over him, but I don't think I could ever be. The hard truth is that I still love him. Despite everything that happened, I do. I love him. And I want him, and only him.

But I can't do this.

It would've been so easy to throw myself at him and kiss him to erase the sadness from his face and make the happiness return. But I didn't. I couldn't. So I said the most stupid thing I could have ever said.

"I'm," I felt like I was choking and I couldn't breathe. "Vic I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here, I'm sorry." I had to blink back tears. I can't believe I'm doing this again. "This was all a mistake." I ran out the room as my tears fell.

I could hear him yelling my name again and again but I couldn't bring myself to stop walking. I was halfway down the stairs when he grabbed my wrist, stopping me from going further.

"Please let me go." My voice barely audible. Not even I believed myself.

"Kellin what the fuck is going on?!" His own voice was strained. I didn't reply. He let go of my wrist and I went to keep walking the steps but he blocked my way.