Graveyard Shift

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER FIVE
When we got back into the car, we all had chips and drinks to last us for a little while; at least enough time to get Daren to forget about In 'N Out. Eleanor and I had also bought cotton balls and face wash to clean ourselves up a little bit. How we all remembered our wallets, but not any other clothes was a mystery to me, but I didn't care. We were all having a good time; and we were all being wild teenagers that just decided to drive and end up nowhere with great music playing.
We were actually all awake and I figured it was because of the drinks we all got. I even got an energy drink just in case I got too tired. None of us were talking, but it was like how it was when Eleanor and I didn't talk when we were sitting next to each other. I had never felt anything like that before except with her; to feel completely normal with these people was so odd and comforting and I actually really liked it. I turned the radio up and switched it until the station was not complete static. When I finally got to one, I was nodding along to it as the music started. It was this great song that none of us had ever heard before and I turned it up higher. I already caught on to the chorus that he first sang and Eleanor was patting her hands against her lap to the beat, smiling. I could hear Anna humming it and Kris was bobbing her head while Daren tapped his feet to it. And I realized it reminded me of all of us in that moment; the song was us five in that car together.
I had never felt particularly normal or as if I were the guy who fit in this specific group anywhere, even when hanging out with my friends. But hearing this song playing on the radio with Daren, Eleanor, Kris, and Anna, I realized that I was not this outsider who was too tall or gawky or awkward or quiet, and I was not this meaningless teenager who had no purpose in life. In that moment, I felt unstoppable. I was much more than I had ever been in my whole entire seventeen years before:
I was invincibly me.
She took my arm / I don't know how it happened / we took the floor and she said / oh, don't you dare look back / just keep your eyes on me / I said you're holding back / she said shut up and dance with me
***
When all of the girls were asleep, Daren and I were able to talk and I actually felt closer to him than I had before. We were best friends, but somehow I felt like we were sharing something sacred. Maybe it was the fact that we were in a small space and it was quiet and all there was around us was the night and unconscious ears.
"You know, I never did end up asking Anna to the party." He said. I laughed, nodding.
"I knew that already, dude." He laughed now. "Are you really going to?"
He looked at her and then sighed out, "Honestly, I don't know." He was quiet for a moment. "Do you ever look at somebody and think to yourself how much they mean to you or whatever?"
"I thought that was a given," I said and glanced at Eleanor before looking forward again.
"Well, it's like that, sorta. I mean, like, Anna is this gorgeous person who is flawless and perfect and sarcastic and I like her. She's cool like that and somehow she's girly and a tomboy, which I really like."
"But?" I questioned. You don't say that and not have a but afterward.
"But what would happen after if she said yes? Like, we would go to this party together and would we be going out or would we be friends still?" I nodded in understanding. "Like, what if who I think she is is not who she really is and it's this facade I never really caught on to? What if I'm actually this idiot who thinks I like this chill girl, but she's actually a sob story?"
I half laughed, "That's sort of a douche thing to say, man."
"I don't mean it in a rude way. I'm just saying, people put up faces all the time and what if I don't actually like her real face?"
"Sometimes you have to accept things that you don't want and let it be. If you didn't like her after all, you would just end it. It would be a shame, but it is what it is. At least, that's what I think."
He looked at her. "But I like her as my friend and I don't want to lose that. Even if we got together and broke up and decided to still be friends, it wouldn't be the same as before. I would know who she really is and I don't know how to hold a person's heart like that, Will. I'm just-I'm not good at doing stuff like that." He gave a short laugh and shook his head. "I mean, I'm this awkward guy who just wants this girl to like me for who I am, whatever that is, even if I don't like the real her? I mean, how sick is that; really? I know it's messed up, but-but I guess I just-I care. I want her to like me even if I end up not liking her, but you can't like somebody who decides to not like you because you feel powerless and unimportant."
"Somehow I understand what you mean," I replied. It reminded me of earlier that night when Eleanor had asked me if I thought it was weird that people always wanted others to like them.
"It's sick, right?"
I shook my head, "No, I don't think it's sick. I think that every single person wants exactly that too."
"Well, so far it seems like the only ones who really want that right now are you and me. Yeah, the other people at school are pretentious, but am I just like them?" He licked his lips. "I've always wanted to be different, to stand out, to have people notice me; ya' know? I've always wanted to mean something to everybody, but it's, like, the more I try, the more people laugh at me."
"Man, they laugh at everything. You can't win everybody's approval no matter what you do. They're laughing because they have nothing better to do in their free time except be mean to people that actually try to be something."
"Yeah," he said quietly. "Well, what about you? Are you going to ask Eleanor? Are you actually gonna go to the party this year?"
"Party scenes just aren't really our whole thing, you know?" I replied.
He gave a short laugh. "Are you sure about that? I mean, you've never asked her before and what if she's a party animal?"
I laughed at that. "I don't think she's a party animal, dude."
"How do you know? What if the her you know is not the real her?" I looked over at Eleanor and shook my head. "It's like I'm saying, man. What if she isn't what you think-"
"She's real, Daren. She isn't like a pretentious person. Everybody wants someone to like them, but-but it's different with her."
"Why is she any different from Anna?" He asked. "Or Kris? What if they are all the same? What if none of us are really different from each other?"
"I don't think that's it, though." I went quiet before saying, "She is different." I said. "She acts like nothing can touch her; like the sky's the limit; she's able to touch the stars."
He shrugged, "Maybe to her they are; maybe to her it's a possibility, man."
I shook my head, "If that were true, why does she snap?" He thought for a moment and filled his cheeks with air before blowing it out.
"She's moody," he shrugged it off.
"She's intriguing," I said.
"She's just another one of those girls that's all emotion and thinks she is so different and endlessly un-understandable."
"Exactly," I replied. He raised a brow. "And I want to know what there is to the un-understandableness."
"I don't think that's such a great idea."
I grinned widely, "On the contrary; I have never had such a brilliant thought as this in my life."
***
"I'm gonna crash." I said. "Like, figuratively and literally."
"Don't crash," Eleanor said. I shook my head. "Do you want me to drive? I mean, it's three and everybody is asleep and you've been awake. You need sleep too." I nodded. She laughed, "Okay, stop the car, sleepy head. Even ninjas need a good nap." So, I pulled over and we switched seats. It felt so good to not have to focus on driving and shifting gears and then I automatically passed out.
I had a lot of weird dreams when I finally fell asleep. All I could think of was different people putting on masks that looked like their faces, then they picked up paint brushes and painted on a canvas, but the water dripped off of their paintings because they painted with water colors. But everyone was smiling with their masks on, and their faces looked plastic and I turned around and saw myself. My face was plastic; I was covered by a mask too. And then I looked at my paintbrush and the water was dripping from it onto the ground and I couldn't see well, so I took my mask off and then everyone started to laugh. I put my glasses on, seeing everybody's real faces with them on. Nobody was really laughing.