[ jeamus ] confused about it

Chapter 1: { Beginning }

[ Seamus PoV ]

a/n: im rewriting this, so please do not hate me!! it was very confusing before and im trying to make it better. :3 so by all means, enjoy! also, flashbacks are indicated by ⇔ [ flashback title here woo ] ⇔ and cut offs are just -- but remember time lapses are -/\- because cool. symbols yea! this is a long authors note im sorry but enjoy! chapters pretty long too, hm.

⇔ High School Year ⇔

I had just moved here for the summer, but since my father found a better job here, I'm staying here. Littleton, Colorado...it's a bright place with nice people and decent traffic. High school kids always walked by our house to go to the bus, and since my mother was always working with my father, I have to take the bus. Usually, it was this one-and I call him 'punk kid'-kid who would always walk by. Rarely would he bring his friends-how I know it's a guy is waaaay beyond me. I finally took my bag and walked out, wind chills rushing into me. I would always watch the snow roll off hills when I was bored in winter, and since I still carried a heavy accent, people avoided me during spring.

I walked toward the bus stop, the 'punk kid' already there and rocking on his heels. I slowly made my way towards him, kicking small rocks out of my way and standing next to him. I was right; he had spiked hair that went down, and piercings on his left ear. He smiled, which was odd due to his outfit. He wore a black hoodie with a Nirvana band shirt, and jeans that rolled up perfectly around his ankles. The usual socks and shoes, course. I averted my eyes from him, but soon looked back to see him put on a small grin as he waved. "Hi!" He was happy, perky, and didn't seem all depressed. It was creeping me out, the way he was so happy..whatever. "Name's James, James Wilson." He laughed a little at his rhyme and put his hand out. "Hi, James..name's Seamus..O'Doherty.." I shook his hand and smiled back, his eyes gently sparking. "Nice accent, my friend Aleks has a Russian one. He'll be happy to know another accent or two!" He purred, continuing to rock on his heels. "You're the quiet type, huh?" He looked away, staring into the distance. His eyes were a dark brown, and the way they lit up was adorable. I scoffed, chuckling a little after and kicking the ground. "Yeah, no one likes ye ol' Seamus, my accent's too heavy for them to understand, or so they say.." He looked back at me and giggled, a smile curling up to his lips. "You don't seem like the quiet type, and I can understand you perfectly!" He was right; I didn't. My eyes were a perky blue and the outfits I wore were all colorful. Probably due to changing, I guess. I simply shrugged and looked away, trying to see the yellow bus.

"Well, look at that" I scoffed in sarcasm, still no bus. "Think we're late?" He was now looking at me im a confused manner. "What..?" He simply cocked his head to the side and shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets. "Sarcasm..? Ever heard of it?" I chuckled low, a small smile across his face. "I never use it..of course, if I could I'd be spitting them out in each sentence.." He fixed his sleeve, hissing in pain to himself and ignoring as if he didn't feel it. I wanted to ask, but since he wanted nothing to do with it and kept smiling, I decided to rub his arm with mine and grin. He beamed back, the bus finally rumbling to us. "Are you coming?" He held his hand out, standing on the first step.

"I'd be happy to!" I grabbed it, lunging myself onto the bus and simply grinning at the fact that someone wanted to be my friend.

⇔ College Years ⇔

I started self harming.

James had told me when we left high school that he had stopped cutting himself because I made his life better. It's been 2 long years and still no sign of him. I moved to Denver, and went to college. I struggled to pay attention; I just wanted the 'punk kid' back. And yeah, even though I was completely ahead of him by 2 years. I usually just said I was his brother, picking him up once I graduated. I never planned on it, nor did I think about it. But yet, scars aligned my arms. Peaceful and quiet, angled towards my body, red and thin. I wanted to see him, I really do. I tried looking for him, but typing in a first name doesn't help. James 'something' Jr is all I could remember. Thanks, brain. I heard about 'YouTube' as well, and I decided to make one. Basing it off of my name, Sir Seamus of Halo, it was SSoHPKC. Witty, I know. I never used it as much, mostly for watching people and becoming happy. Happy..happy..

James was always happy..
James.
James..
James; the name rolled off my tongue in such a way I wanted to be near him. Did I love him? No, no that's stupid! You're not gay, but you're not straight..Pansexual? No...Bi? Nope..fucking hell-

I extended my arm towards the blade, my fingers gliding over the top and poking a hole into my index finger. Blood popped out of the small dot, making me feel a little bit better. A little. Since my other arm was filled to the very end of my wrist with scars, I swapped hands and rolled up my right sleeve. I traced a white little skin tear to make where I wanna bleed. And I went harder, deeper, blood finally opening up as my fingers curled in pain. I grabbed my old shirt, wrapping it around my arm and tying it to soak up blood.

Am I doing it for James?

⇔ The Creature House ⇔

I had met Jordan, Dan, Eddie, Aleks, and strangely another person named James. He had curly hair and a fresh shaved beard, and if you looked closely, a hole in his ear was closing up. Couldn't be James from highschool, right? He never told me his last name, while the rest of them did. Marchant, Mathewson, Cardona, Gidlow..Strangely, James knew my name, he spoke it with such a beam of hope and happiness..

"Seamus!" He exclaimed, his arms wrapping around me and booming through the house. No one but him and I were there, awkward tension forming between us. "Remember James Wilson?" Wilson..that's his last name! "Yeah, he was an old high..sch..ool..friend-" I immediately hugged him back and wanted to cry so badly. Break down and have him find out my body trailed with scars. That I missed him. That I concluded I loved him. "J-James..James I missed you.." I cried out, tears just slipping my eyes. He laughed, grabbing my shoulders and wiping my tears. I let out a choked laugh, tears still flowing down my face and a small sniffle came from me. "Hey, don't cry, here I am!" The day couldn't get better, no, it couldn't. He was here this whole time? "W-Well, I tried looking for you.." I laughed at myself, shaking my head. "I made a YouTube, thinking you were on it. I watched you, thinking you weren't..well..you!" I hugged myself, sighing and sitting down on the floor. I just wanted to sit here. I wanted it just me and him. Him and I. James and Seamus. He sat across from me, resting his arms on his knees and burying his chin between them. "Tell me everything that happened, man. I missed you!" He beamed, making me blush a little more than I should have.

James and Seamus only. Just me and you James, me and you..