The Monster Inside Me ||Stiles Stilinski||

VI.

Stiles POV:
My anxiety is at its worst right now. My hands are trembling as I'm holding the steering wheel. I still can't freaking believe myself that I actually agreed to go. Idiot... I don't even know how to conceal my smell and I'm sure as hell smell like depression and anxiety... Shit the blood.. now I'm fucked for sure. Okay Stiles you just need to calm down quickly....
I was distracted by my thoughts so badly that I failed to notice we were already here... Because I'm on the verge of a panic attack smoking would be the best thing to calm myself with. Yeah that's a good one... I get out of the jeep and search in my bag.
" Um Scott go ahead I'll go after you in a sec " I search in the front pocket of the bag for the lighter and the pack.
" Oh why ? I can wait " he stood by my side eyeing me carefully.
" I want to smoke before we go in that's it " ah finally. I find what I'm looking for and light it immediately. Sweet, sweet relief.
" I'll wait don't wanna leave you alone..." I noticed Scott looking around awkwardly.
" Don't worry my cigarette won't bite ya " I chuckle lightly and exhale the smoke.
" Well, I really hoped so " Scott laughed at my comment.
" It's just weird that's it. You were always the one monitoring your dad if he's eating healthy and stuff. Now you're doing something that you despise... Or at least disliked a while ago." I was able to hear the sadness seeping through his voice.
" Habits change, people change Scott. I'm not the same person that I was a month or so ago, neither are you. This is something we have little to no control over. Changing is a natural process to go through in life. They either bring the worst or the best out of us. But most importantly things we expect the least." I looked Scott in the eye. They say that the eyes are the mirror of one's soul. Scott's eye is full of hope and trust. Only a bit of temporary sadness coating over it. Mine on the other hand has dulled out. Lost faith and hope....
" I know Stiles but it's different when someone goes through it naturally or forced into it. Not the same...and you know it too." shit got dark real fast if you ask me... I couldn't say a word. Instead I threw my cigarette away and made my way towards the loft. Here goes nothing....
Scott follows me like a lost little puppy. I stop before the door, unsure of my decision. On the other hand Scott was very sure. He opened the door with the biggest smile ever.
" Hey guys I brought Stiles back with me " he looked way too excited if you ask me. Quietly I followed him into the loft and stood by the pack. They looked at me and each of them have that weird look in their eyes that I can't grasp. What the hell is happening.
"Uhm hey guys... I hope I'm not disturbing anything" Lydia was the first one to chirp up
" Of course not Stiles, don't say that. We ordered pizza and was thinking about going to the store for some booze. " shit...booze is okay but pizza. Hell no...
" Oh great, I can go to the store if you write down what you guys want" maybe if I go to the store I can avoid the pizza eating part.
" We actually wrote it together already so I'll go with you. You'll need a helping hand" Derek stepped next to me with a small note in his hand.
" Alright then, let's go before they close " and I was out in seconds. This is going to be a shit show I can feel it.
" We are going with my car " I'm not protesting just sit in the passenger seat.
Throughout the ride I don't say a word, only fidgeting with my hands trying to calm myself down. I shouldn't be really scared to be around Derek. The Nogitsune didn't do anything to him, he simply hates my guts and that's fine. After pulling up to the parking lot we both get out and head towards the booze isle.
" I get everything from the list, you get yourself what you want. Bring anything you need. Drink, soda, snack whatever" I nod and go straight for the booze.
Hmm what should I get... I'm tapping on my chin, trying to decide. A few minutes pass and I finally made my decision, whiskey. I grab coke as well to pair it with. Happily I head back to Derek who as I can see grabbed the last item that was needed.
"Alright I got what I want do we need anything else"
"No I don't think so. As Lydia said there'll be pizza so we only really needed was booze and maybe snacks" he looks at me and from there his eyes travel to the items in my hand.
"That's all you want? No snacks, nothing?" He raises one of his eyebrows.
"No only the whiskey and coke" my heart is thankfully steady.
"If you say so fine by me" this is something that I appreciate about Derek. He's not pushy, accepts what's up and stops. He pays for everything tho I insisted paying for mine, he didn't let me. I didn't take long for us to be back in the loft. By the time we got back plates, cups were on the table and pizza. I got nauseous just by smelling it. I sat down to the floor by Isaac but I kept a good amount of space between us. I offered them from my whiskey but they declined nicely. Well more for me I guess. Kira started handing out the plates with two slices of pizza for everyone. The plates went around but of course I declined mine.
" But it's your favorite Stiles and you have to eat something before you drink." Lydia said it with a stern voice.
" Don't worry about that and I'm just not hungry really. But thanks tho." I forced a weak smile and tried to steady my heartbeat. Eating pizza after you haven't eaten in a while doesn't go very well and I'm not planning on puking myself in front of everyone...
"Come on Stiles you love pizza especially the cheesey pizza " Scott looked at me with his big puppy eyes. My breathing got a bit quicker due to the fact that I'm stressing.
"Guys leave him be. Put aside it for him if he wants it. Don't force it " I said a quite thank you to Isaac. Gosh he saved my ass. Kira nodded and put down the plate near me. Everyone settled down in their assigned seats and the night begin.
We can say that the night went well, I drank half of the bottle of my whiskey already. The guys were laughing and having fun, I only observed didn't wanna take part in it. It isn't like I don't want to have fun, I just don't feel connected. Maybe the alcohol is getting to me, not sure... As they were laughing and joking around I slowly got up from my place on the floor and stumbled out to the balcony. Even my half drunk ass wants to smoke a cigarette. As I stumbled outside I failed to notice Isaac coming after me. On the balcony I took a big breathe from the cold night air, loving the chilling feeling that it gave me. It's getting closer to summer therefore the night air gives a small relief from the hot days. I appreciate the cold, it's a familiar feeling that I can welcome. I light the cigarette that was already in my hand. I deeply inhale the smoke letting the relaxing feeling come over me. I'm so wrapped up in my own mind that I only faintly hear a unsure "can I try it too?". I turn my head around to finally notice Isaac.
"Ugh fine by me I guess" with a shrug I hand him the cigarette I was previously smoking. As he inhaled the smoke his face scrunched up to a disgusted expression.
" This tastes like shit" while coughing he hands me back the cigarette, I only chuckle.
"Yeah at first it tastes like shit but overtime you'll get used to it" I continue smoking my precious relief.
"If you say so Stiles..." from the corner of my eye I'm able to see him eyeing me up and down.
" If you have anything more to say just say it Isaac. I won't bite ya" he looked taken aback. Oho you aren't so sleek Lahey.
"I..I was just wondering about how you doing. It's been a while since we talked or hang out"
"I'm fine, as usual" spending this many years around werewolfs taught me one thing is how to lie perfectly. My heart is steady like I'm stating the truth. Because in reality I lied myself about so much that I actually started to believe it.
"You don't seem like you're fine. Not at all Stiles. Everyone has been dealing with the events of last months, together. I know we weren't exactly the most welcoming with you but you have to understand why we were like that..." that stings like hell. Isaac opened a door that he shouldn't have, and me being drunk didn't help the situation...
"Understanding huh ? Me ? All of you tossed me away like a useless rug or some shit. So pardon me for not being fine ! " a drop of tear escaped from my eye. I mustn't let my guards down or else I'll crumble...
" Please Stiles I know but we'll try and fix it. That's why today we invited you and ordered pizza. Just like in the old times"
"Oh yeah top notch idea ordering pizza for someone who deals with a eating disorder. Or inviting a person with extreme anxiety. Amazing, perfect really. You don't know me! You have absolutely no idea what I'm going through so don't try to shift the blame on me!" I raised my voice on Isaac because I couldn't take it anymore. The truth was coming to the surface and I wasn't able to stop it.
"You left me alone! Alone! That's the perfect thing to do with someone whom was possessed by a evil fox spirit and nearly lost their mind"
"Look we thought we were helping by giving you space" his voice was pleading, apologetic. I know it wasn't his fault but at the moment he was the one I could put the blame on and lighten myself.
"Why didn't you ask me, huh? You have a phone, call or text. Hey Stiles need someone or just want to be alone? It's not that hard!" I'm getting worked up and my breathing it getting shakier. As I'm slowly getting on the verge of a panic attack the rest of the pack comes out as I'm very sure they were able to hear everything.
"It's okay Stiles, please calm down" Scott pleaded with a calm, steady voice.
"Calm down!? Calm down!? Thank you Scott for this amazing idea of yours I didn't even think about it" I run my hand through my hair. Shit Stiles you need to calm down, don't let them see you like this. My vision is getting blurry for the flowing stream of tears and lack of oxigen. Now I'm only able to hear distance voices coming to my way. I feel like drowning... I slid down to the floor as I'm more and more unable to breath. It feels like the world is caving in, this balcony is smaller by each passing moment. I feel two hands touching my shoulders, trying to get me out of this state but I can't. I can't, I had enough. Everything around me is blurry and I'm shaking so badly. My panic attacks have been like this for a while now so for me it's not new, although for the others it is. They've never seen me like this before. This must have scared them because the only thing that I heard before the world went dark were panicked voices and shouts calling for me.