I Don't Like You, Too

Jealousy

Stay.
It's an easy word to say.
Stay.
One small syllable, a few simple sounds.
Stay.
It's the only word I want to say right now.
I want to say it, and I want it to be heard, and I want it to be heeded.
Stay.
I need to get that word out. Hurry up, mind. Don't hesitate, lips – move, act, do. Please. Say it.
Stay.
It's an easy word to say.

Why can't I say it?

+++

It was dark and quiet in my bedroom, so quiet you could hear the leaves mumbling in the breeze. A lonely streak of moonlight snuck in beneath the window shade. It lit the room just enough for me to see Sanemi's face as he lay next to me. His eyes were closed. Was he asleep? I maneuvered my body along his, slowly, carefully, trying hard not to wake him. I lightly rested my head on his shoulder, laid my arm ever so gently across his chest. He didn't stir. I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, this time, finally...

"What are you doing?" Sanemi asked without opening his eyes.

"Uh. Nothing," I replied. I tightened my grip; I feared eviction was imminent.

"Feels like cuddling," he said, opening his eyes and turning toward me.

"It is not."

"It is."

"It's incidental contact because you're in my space."

"I thought I made it clear this isn't a thing. We aren't together like that."

He extricated himself from my clinging limbs and grabbed his pants.

Even in that dim light, I could see the sculpted contours of his back, could see the scars that crisscrossed his flesh. I wanted to press my body against his. I wanted to drape myself on his broad, sturdy shoulders. I wanted to stick my face into his soft, sweaty hair.

I wanted this boy to stay.

Just once, I wanted us to watch the sunrise together, have some breakfast, drink some tea, like normal idiots. Like people who maybe kinda, I don't know, like each other? Was that too much to ask? With Sanemi, maybe. I trembled at the thought of asking.

Desperate, I offered the only thing I knew would keep him. I grabbed his hand and pulled him on top of me. I kissed him hard, our tongues tangling. I sent my hand down--

"Stop there. I don't need the gross man details, okay?" Shinobu said, gagging before she took another sip of her tea.

I was in Oyakata-sama's garden asking Shinobu for advice again. She wasn't my first choice for confidante, but...who was I kidding? She was my only option. Everyone else was too young, too indifferent, or couldn't keep their mouth shut.

"Do you see the problem?" I asked.

"I see you've graduated from glory hole to booty call. Congratulations."

I only wished she took the job a little more seriously.

"I want Sanemi and I to be more than that. How do I get him to see me as a partner, not just as—"

"A bun for his sausage?"

"Why are you like this?"

She offered to pour me more tea. I waved it off. She poured it anyway.

"What might help is if you did more than just have sex together," she said. "Do you ever hang out in the daylight? When was the last time you went on a mission together?"

"We've never been on a mission together."

"Why not start there?"

Not a bad idea. In fact, it was perfect. I could just see it – walking in the woods together under a full moon, coordinating attacks with knowing glances, sharing a meal afterwards, and then a bed. We'd sleep in each other's arms until dawn. I'd awaken him with a kiss, and we'd have breakfast there in our room – smiling, laughing, talking. Yeah, just like normal idiots.