I Don't Like You, Too

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__SANEMI FACT__________

One ordinary-seeming day, an insanely attractive young man gave Sanemi a gift. Some might not call it a gift. It was just a plain paper bag that contained some ohagi that the insanely attractive young man had made. The ohagi was a bit sloppy in presentation and only passable in flavor and texture, but the young man had put his heart into making Sanemi's favorite snack. You see, the young man very desperately wanted to connect with Sanemi, to touch him deep inside his heart, because he was desperately afraid he hadn't up until then.

It turns out that when Sanemi opened that bag and saw the ohagi inside, he did feel something deep inside his heart. He couldn't put names on all the feelings he felt. He only knew they hurt so bad he wanted to scream. They made him want to say things like "I'm sorry" and "Please come back." They made him want to give up his rules and lay down his anger and rest his head on that young man's shoulder. They made him want to say something he'd always been afraid to say, that he was still afraid to say, but knew he had to say. Before it was too late.

He really hoped it wasn't too late.

+++

I don't feel anything. Is that normal?

I sit in the tub. My skin immediately turns bright red. I think I should feel the sting of the hot water. I should feel the heat seep through to my core. But I don't.

I make my breakfast, and the knife slips. I cut my finger pretty badly. That should hurt, right? I should be alarmed at how deep the gash is, at how much blood is bubbling out of the wound. But I'm not.

I stub my toe on a step.

I splash my face with cold water.

I lie in the sun.

But I don't feel anything.

No pain.

No cold.

No heat.

Nothing.

Is that normal?

No. I suppose it isn't.

Still. Everything looks the same. Everything works like it always has. The sun rises. The grass grows. People work, laugh, die. Nothing in the world has changed. It keeps moving forward. Life goes on.

But I don't feel anything.

No tears no heaviness no pain.

Why?

Oh. Now I remember.

Something ended.

No, I'm wrong.

Something never really began.

++++

Two tea cups. I set out two tea cups. Even though he wasn't there. Even though he never took one when he was. I set out two tea cups. When, in my mind, did I become two?

I looked at my unmade bed. I could sleep in the middle; the whole bed was mine again. But the covers were disheveled on only one side. When did my heart surrender half my bed? Why did I have no interest in taking it back?

There wasn't a single trace of Sanemi in my house. This was a fact my mind decided to point out at 3am, after it had spent hours taking inventory of the myriad ways my life currently sucked and likely would suck into the foreseeable future. Sanemi never left any clothes here, no toiletries, no personal belongings whatsoever. He wouldn't allow anything to be added or rearranged to accommodate him. He brought nothing, took nothing. It was like we never were.

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