SENIORS | shawmila

ten.

"Go left—"

"Don't worry about where I'm going—"

Shawn laid on the couch in Connor's basement Sunday afternoon, watching him and Brian play video games. He hadn't said anything in a while, but they didn't seem to mind his silence. They weren't prying him to talk, and he wasn't even sure where he'd start.

He'd been in inner turmoil since homecoming, and a week passing hadn't made it any better. Camila completely avoided him at school, but he couldn't help but notice she only spent time around Shelby and her other friends, David was nowhere around.

April avoided him too. She didn't even show up for yearbook, meaning Shawn tried to make do with what he had taken himself. He only felt okay in those few hours after school, pouring himself into his favorite thing. Editing the pictures and staring at them until they just looked like colors, and like no one in particular.

That was all he could do, it was a cycle. He was quiet at home, either sleeping, eating or doing homework just to pass the time. He watched hockey on tv with his family, but with his mind elsewhere. All he could think about was Camila, and how he had no idea what it meant when she couldn't even look at him.

It was quiet, Shawn blinking when he realized the noises from the tv faded. He turned his head, looking to see Connor and Brian just staring at him, having paused their game.

"What?"

"Just seeing if you remembered you were even here." Connor said. "You looked lost."

"I feel lost."

"Wanna talk about it?" Brian asked.

His instinct was to say no, but he knew from weeks of experience that keeping it all in wasn't making things any better. Even the tiny bit he'd confessed to his dad that night left him feeling not only vulnerable, but better, and he couldn't deny it.

"It's heavy."

"We'll listen." Connor said. "We've literally been waiting for you to say something for weeks."

"Weeks?"

"You've been different, ever since school started."

He didn't think they noticed that kind of thing, but he supposed it was hard not to. He never had crazy rumors about him before, or a reason to feel both so high and so low in rapid succession like there was constantly changing weather in his head.

"Okay." He sighed.

They both turned to him from their spots on the floor, giving him their undivided attention. Shawn couldn't look at them quite next, staring up at the cracked ceiling and trying to collect his thoughts.

"A few weeks ago, right before school started, Camila and I had sex." He said, feeling his heart start pounding. "And now, everything's all messed up."

He tried to tell them everything, about how they agreed to stay friends and do it again. He left out the part about his dad walking in on them and instead skipped to him agreeing to go with April to the dance, and seeing her with David and what happened when he and April were alone at Shelby's.

"And now—I don't know. I just didn't want Camila to lose all her friends, and now I think I really fucked up."

He sighed, feeling strangely light, though it still hurt. He turned his head, seeing them still sitting on the floor staring at him. He looked back at them, not sure what he expected them to say, if anything.

"April can't actually be mad at you for not wanting to have sex." Brian pointed out.

"Yeah, but she has a point." Shawn sat up. "I spent all night thinking about Camila and David."