The sun

Mind-race

Ava
As I step outside trying to wrap my head around what just happened I feel the brisk cold air surround me. As I begin my walk home I think about him. Marcus. There's something about him that made me want him to ask again if I wanted him to walk me home. His voice still in my head. I reach in my pocket to make sure his number is still there. I want to text him but I don't even know him, he seems so familiar but not enough for me to hurt trust him.
As I turn the corner to my apartment Megan walks up behind me. "You're home earlier than usual". Normally I'm out until at least midnight but I didn't want to end up regretting staying. "Yeah I'm not really in the mood tonight to stay out and Jen was busy so there wasn't really any reason for me to stay". I lie. I wanted to stay but I didn't want to let my heart make me do something I would regret.
After Todd destroyed my life and ripped away my innocence I promised myself I would never let anyone have that part of me. The thought brings the pain back. I can't imagine anyone seeing the scars he left, the thought of someone touching me the way he did sends shivers through my body, as I walk into my room I grab the jack from my mini fridge. Living with three other people has its perks but if I don't keep my drinks in here they're gone quicker than I can buy them. Dad always sends me a monthly budget for "school work, gas and food" I haven't told him I sold my car to supply my addictions. I've stopped abusing several things but I don't want to give up everything. I know I'm avoiding my problems but I'm not ready to face them.
As I swallow I grab the napkin from my pocket. I caress it and pull out my phone. I type in the number to save it. I start to send a message but stop myself. I sit the shot glass on my side table and take a gulp from the bottle. I normally would have had a few more drinks so if I plan on sleeping this will have to do.
I stand up and open my drawer to grab clothes for a shower. When I go into the bathroom I turn the shower on, I slip out of my clothes and look in the mirror. Most nights I avoid seeing myself naked. His name carved into my thigh. One of many marks he left me. I step into the shower to feel the hot water beating down on my skin. I start to think about Marcus. Not only did Todd destroy my body and childhood he still affects my everyday life, I'll never be happy in a relationship or know the feeling of being loved and held.
I step out of the shower and grab my towel as I dry off I slide my hand over the puffed out scar. He made sure it would never disappear "this is so everyone will always know you belong to me" his voice still in my head. I slide on my leggings and white tank top. Some days I can find just enough confidence to look at myself without finding every flaw. Not tonight, all I can see is all the places he's touched.
As I climb in bed I stretch my legs out under the blanket. I grab the bottle and chug half of it down. I get on my phone and see his contact. I think about texting him but instead let my phone down and chug the rest. I reach into my drawer and pop a Xanax. I walk over to the fridge and grab out the fireball. I no longer drink for the taste just the feeling. I down a quarter of it and put it back. I climb into bed and lay my head down. As I stare at the ceiling I think of the night and him.
My eyes feel so heavy. I drift off to sleep.

***
I hear a knock and look over to see Hayley sleeping. As I open the door I feel his hand grab my arm and I'm pulled out. "I need you to come with me now" he whisper pulling me down the hall. "What's going on is everyone okay?" I ask. "Just shut up and walk faster". He pushes the bathroom door open and pulls me in.
"Lay down" he says in a harsh voice. My heart begins to race. "I don't want to just tell me what's going on". As I look at him his face turns cold and he puts his hand behind his back. Before I can think I feel it against my head, the coldness of the barrel against my head and I begin to shake. I can't talk but I quickly lay down in front of the toilet. "If you scream I'll kill your mom and brother in front of you and then I'll slit your throat" he whispers into my head while grabbing my throat. I feel the pain around my neck and nod my head to let him know I won't. Even if I wanted to I can't move or make a noice. He smirks and rips my pants and underwear down. "Turn over and get on you hands and knees" I do as I'm told trying not to fall over. As I start to cry I feel a sharp pain. The penetration sending pain through my body. As he begins to increase the speed of thrusts I cover my mouth to quiet my sobs. I try to pull away but he grabs a handful of my hair pulling it so hard I wonder if it might all come out. "Tell me you want me". I start to cry harder not able to say a work. He pulls my hair harder while slapping the side of my face. "I said tell me you want me"! My heart feels as if it will fall out of my chest. I wish I were dead. "I... I... I want you" I say through the sobs. "Good girl". I feel vomit rise to my throat. I swallow quickly fearing what he would do  if I threw up.
"Hurry turn around". He pulls out of me pulling me around. As I start to get up he shoves his penis in my mouth gagging. My mouth fills and I start to vomit but he's already pulled out. I reach over to the toilet and throw up. As he zips his pants I grab the toilet holding myself on it. "I'll know if you tell anyone about this, I'm always watching" he leaves the room shutting the door on his way out. I start to sob again trying to hold myself up. I slide down from the toilet seat pulling my legs to my chest. My head throbbing from crying so much. I can't move.

***
I wake up to the sound of my door being thrown in. I look up to see Megan running in. "Are you okay"!? She must have seen the confusion on my face. "You were screaming again". She sits in my bed and grabs my face in both of her hands. "I'm fine, just another nightmare I'm sorry for waking you". A look of sadness covers her face. "Ava you have to go get help, you never sleep and when you do, you always wake up in horror". A guilty feeling surround my thoughts. I hate that I wake her up but she's the only one that comes to make sure I'm okay. "Did you want me to stay in here"? She asks. "Yes please". With Megan it's different she reminds me a lot of what a mom should feel like. She climbs in next to me putting her arm around me. "Let's try to get some sleep and remember I'm right here with you". I've only known her for six months and she's my best friend, my mother (in the sweetest way possible) and my hope. She always reminds me that life gets betters. I feel my eyes get heavy again. As I drift off to sleep I snuggle in closer to Megan. Her presence comforting me.