The sun

Thoughts

Ava
I wake up to Megan's arm still around me. I always feel guilty when she has to sleep in here but those are the nights I sleep the best. I know she's joking when she brings up that I need a boyfriend but it always makes me overthink. My mind is my own worst enemy, raising thoughts everyday. It's like after Todd came along I neglected my brain and heart long enough that now they just wait for the rest to fall apart.
As I sit on the edge of my bed I feel my head throb. I reach over on the nightstand and take a couple Tylenol. As I sit the bottle back down I notice the napkin. I can't stop thinking about his beautiful chest and the way his arms looked. Thoughts like this can sometimes make me panic, the thought of ever falling for someone that I'll never truly make happy. I'm to wounded inside and out to really show someone. Maybe he just wants to be friends... Ha that's hilarious. After all we met at a bar. I go to grab clothes and Megan stirs in bed startling me. She rubs her eyes and smiles at me. "Did you sleep better"?
"Yes" I say as I return the smile.
"Good, so what really made you come home early last night"?
I pause as I imagine what made me feel the need to get away. "Marcus". Just saying his name gives me goosebumps.
"What did Marcus do"?! She says in an angry tone.
"It wasn't exactly like that" I say knowing she will push me but in a way I want her to because maybe I am ready.
"Ooooh, so how was it then" she says in a giddy voice.
I laugh a little. "He was super sweet but I just don't think I'm ready and honestly I'm not sure if I will ever be ready for a relationship or anything even close".
"Aves you have to give it a chance, the only thing you can fail is not trying".
"It's not that easy, what if all the healing and progress I've made just disappears because of some douche breaking my heart or I could lack judgment and get hurt again". It's the truth. It might not seem like it but I've come so far.
"I know you hate when I say this but you are still letting him control your life by not living it". We sit in silence for what feels like minutes. "You know I love you, you literally mean the world to me so if you don't text him I'll do it for you because you obviously want to or you wouldn't have kept his number". I don't bother fighting her because I know she will win and I've never kept anyone's number from the bar. As I reach for my phone my heart starts to race. I type in his number.

Hey it's Ava we met last night.

I know I'm probably overthinking it but I instantly regret sending the text. But what's the worst that can happen? Then I remember all the days I sat holding onto the toilet seat throwing up and crying, the shaking and panic attacks because some guy on the subway looked at me more than a second, the endless nights of snorting, drinking and smoking whatever was around. I'm not proud of how I coped but I'm finally at a better place and I can't just throw it all out the window. For what? Something that could possibly change my life, good or bad. It's not worth it. I remember laying there promising myself I would never allow myself  to feel that pain anymore. I would do anything to never go back or feel something similar. His face appearing in my head. Todd. The slimy indescribable disgusting fuck. I take deep breaths. I remember thinking breathing could never help calm me down. Now I have to, I focus on my surrounding. My blue pillow, the sun beaming in through the white curtains, Megan slowly falling back asleep with her mouth slightly open. It amazes me how she can wake up have a conversation and is back asleep in seconds. I love that about her. It's helped with the countless times she's woke up at 3 am helping me to my bed from the bar or woke up to me screaming in my sleep. I remember the first time it happened she bust through my door with a bat and we both screamed. She just held me the rest of the night. It always starts this time of year and last for a few months. The horrible nightmares that sometimes make it impossible to close my eyes. The fear of seeing his face and knowing it's a dream but not being able to wake up. As cliche as it sounds she is my soulmate, the only person I want to lay in bed next to me comforting me at night. She has become my safe haven, I will always love her like she's my own sister. She's my comfort, my home in a way. She's made the most unbearable nights bearable. I thought I was going downhill again and she saved me. I will always hold her in my heart because of that. As I turn away from the bed my phone dings.