Whatever We Deny Or Embrace

an end and a beginning

This year will be my last year in high school, I a senior graduating on May 25th, from a small school in an even smaller town. I've always had a love-hate relationship with aging. I've always enjoyed gaining wisdom but I've always feared getting a year older each year.

*can I just note that I just accidentally deleted like an entire paragraph? I completely forgot what I wrote. 

Anyway, back to what I was saying, I've always feared aging and I have done everything I can think of to keep from aging but I've realized that maybe it's less of a physical or a mental thing and more of a heart thing. I've always been and old soul but I've ironically always been a child at heart. As of now I have five stuffed animals on my bed that I have named and cuddle with while sleeping. As weird as that may sound, this is a comfort. I still watch and know all of the words to various disney movies. I still color and dance in my room. My palette for food is still as basic as it was when I was younger. The only difference between the me then and the me now is that I've gained wisdom. 

I've realized that my fear wasn't getting older, it was living a mediocre life. I don't want to leave high school just to go to a bigger school and work a 9-5 office job. I want to live a fulfilled life, whatever that is to me. I want to travel and go different places, meet different people, and explore new cultures. In order to do that I've decided that I'm going to be a polyglot, or someone who speaks multiple languages. Currently I speak four languages? English, French, Spanish and I'm in the process of learning Korean. 

This ending that I'm finding in my high school career will be the beginning of another chapter in my life. I haven't quite decided what the chapter will entail but I will make the most of each day. 

Something I pride myself on is not being like everyone else, this isn't intentional. I just don't care about the things the people in my generation do. What's trending, what people like the most, or how I can appear better to everyone else. These are things that I don't keep up with. In fact, my mom often knows what's trending more often than I do. 

As I've learned about my love for spirituality, I've found love and security within myself, and that love has inspired me to be just who I am. figuring out who you are is one of the hardest things we will do in our lives. Who are you when you're alone? More than that, do you like the person that you are?

Being alone and being comfortable with that is a very hard thing to do, this is when your inner demons confront you and show their faces. This is when you will look at them in fear. But one day you'll look at them and say "how are you?" 

Now don't get me wrong. Spirituality is some tough stuff. After discovering tarot and divination, some weird stuff has been happening. That being said I've mostly gotten used to it. 

I'm not quite sure what the purpose of this is. Whatever this is. But I guess I just wanted to acknowledge that I've made it. High school is almost over. It took a very long time to get here. Lots of heart breaks, panic, laughs, and many other things. The time for new lessons to be learned has come.