✨10,000 Little Love Letters✨ ~soulmate amaguji~

~ you'll feel what i feel ~

! slight tw, me venting + a surprise some people guessed !

running.

physically and metaphorically.

maybe it's a symbolism for me running away from my problems, leaving the sweetest boy alone in the dust. because how dare i find someone who makes me genuinely happy. there is no happiness for korekiyo shinguji.

i'm doomed to die alone. sister's, if you will. though, alone nonetheless. doomed to an eternity of biting my tongue and suffocating my words to show my worth. even the smallest praise.

i'm proud of you.

how i yearned to hear those words. a little reminder that i matter. that someone is proud of me. and yet... nothing.

no one cares; no one's proud.

my feet slam heavily against the sidewalk, obviously burdened.

i'm sorry for being happy.

i was often told i didn't deserve that. my pleas and cries for someone to listen shooed away by her ice-cold words. instead, she talked about her issues and her problems. my problems were nothing compared to her's, after all. i could never understand or get those thoughts through my dumb little head. i'm just a stupid thing, only on this earth to serve her.

i love you's don't suffice when your heart's filled with ice.

deep wounds covered by i love you. not i'm sorry, not i'll help you. a hollow i love you. one that often led to me apologizing for your mistakes. and at the time, it wasn't toxic in my eyes. i was inexperienced, and you were. so, of course, you know more than i do.

right?

it became my normal. concerned friends becoming blocked out by my own words. justifying that i knew nothing, it was fine. this is love. this is love.

when your harsh words pierced my skin, and cold touch enveloped me like tar, i nodded along and apologized for you.

"you don't understand." i'd say, "she loves me, i know."

as if i didn't stay up every night for weeks on end worrying if you were okay, hell, if you were alive. as if i didn't pray to whatever was up there that you were safe and sound. because i loved you, i thought.

"i'm sorry..."

trailing up to the door of our home, i wait. i bite back my tears and take deep breaths.

"i'm sorry for not being good enough for you..."

if anything, i'm glad if you're worried. you'll experience what it feels to worry and fret to your core for once, and i'll be the one to wave it off.

forget it. it's none of your business, anyways.

embedding the keys in the door, i turn it and gently open it.

"i'm sorry for being born. for my worthless, pitiful existence. and..."

the house was bleak, barren, and silent. a small surge of relaxation washes over me until a noise echoes throughout the halls, making me jump. a yell, a broken glass, slamming of doors. god, have mercy on my miserable disposition.

"and i vow to be yours. until my existence is ripped from my revolting hands, i'm yours."

the noises grow closer, like a pitch-black shadow devouring light in its grasp. light and comfort slowly being dragged away by darkness. until all that survives is a crumbled shard of what once was.

maybe i asked for this. by the minute i made my vow, i had become a prisoner to this darkness. bound to an eternity of darkness.

"where were you?"

"i'm sorry. i was with a friend... please don't be mad. i won't see him again."

how come you were allowed to have friends, to have other lovers, and yet i couldn't? that it was only wrong when i did it? why did the world make excuses for you, as if you were a deity, holy and ethereal, above my pitiful form? no matter what, i always got the short end of the stick, a pathetic crumb of peace for my miserable existence. and you got off scot-free.

"so you're betraying me now? i expected better from you... do you not have a single shred of compassion for your withering sister? who gave you everything?"

i want you dead.

"i love you, don't leave." i grit through my pitiful, disgusting teeth. sister often told me they were terrible, that my smile was hideous and should be hidden behind a mask. because god have mercy on the wretched soul who had to look at my smile.

don't smile. hide your emotions. no one wants to see that.

"liar. you speak lies, korekiyo. why won't you let me be happy for once?"

"...shut up."

"...excuse me?"

i step forward, hitting her as hard as my weak hands possibly can. she falters, staying still. the same painful feeling i grew so used to.

"shut up!! SHUT UP!!! it's always you! i gave you everything!! why can't i be happy?! why can't i have one friend?! one person who loves me?!"

"you watch your repulsive mouth." she spits, stepping forward. "i love you, why don't you love me?! one day, i'll be dead, and it'll be your fault. i gave you a chance, be thankful i didn't leave your worthless existence to rot away in the road. and you have the audacity to repay me like this?"

i take a deep breath, shoving past her. my head felt so full, i wanted to scream, and yell. you ruined me... you ruined me!! this is your fault!!!

"yes, sister. it will be my fault. but in reality... this is your fault."

i open one of the cabinets, running my hand over a familiar, cool knife. the tip was stained crimson, a sickening reminder of what i've done, what she caused.

she steps forward, her eyes filled with hatred. "if you even think of stepping towards me, it'll be the last thing you ever do!! if that knife ends up near me, instead of plunged into your friend, who you care about so much more than me, you'll regret it!!"

"regret?! i've grown so used to regret, you forced me to regret, regret, regret. to despise the person i've become. well, guess what?!"

i step closer, taking a deep breath.

75, 80, 85...

"it's my turn to be happy. to be free."

90, 95, 99...

"...it's your turn to feel what i feel."

...

.........

100.