Alarm Clock - Ereri/Riren (Re-uploaded)

Chapter 34

I hadn't come to his room in such a long time, but for some reason, I had a hunch he still kept that stupid ladder there, leaning against his window. Now was a better time than anytime if I was gonna do this. He had returned home last month for summer break. I heard he was going abroad for Uni so this was my last chance. I was rehearsing what I wanted to say in my head. It was hard to focus but I just barely managed. And soon enough, there it was. His house that I was all too familiar with. I parked a few houses away from his and took deep breaths as I walked toward the ladder. I climbed up and there he was, slightly shocked to see me there. I tried smiling at him to ease the tension but it still didn't change the fact that I was here. After all this time. He hesitantly got up and opened the window followed by me crawling in. It was just like old times.

"Hey" I said with an awkward grin. I was nervous but I was determined to say something.

"Hey." he replied. He seemed to want to say just as much as I wanted to. We stood there in silence, looking at the ground and avoiding each other's gaze before he finally spoke. "I tried calling you but you were always unavailable."

"I know. I would've answered but Zeke wouldn't let me."

"Zeke's back?"

"Yeah, he's here for another month or so." there was a pause between us. I looked down at the floor, with my hands in my pockets.

"Can I go first?" he asked. I nodded. He took a deep breath and began speaking in a way that suggested he had rehearsed this in his head too. "I've always been angry over what happened. I always hated that things were going so well and I was so happy and it was all taken away because of Petra and that...man."

"Armin I..." I hesitated a bit, but I knew I had to say it. "I know it was hard. But I hated myself for such a long time. And after you exploded on me, it kind of put me in this mindset where I didn't want to ever forgive myself. I didn't want to be happy because I thought I didn't deserve it. It took me so long to realize that the situation was out of either our control." I finished. So far things were going as I had practiced in my head. I hadn't stuttered yet and I was saying what I needed to say.

"But you hurt me Eren! And I know I shouldn't have been jealous but after everything happened, it wasn't fair that you were moving on first!" he started to raise his voice and clench his fists a bit. I started getting a bit angry and tried to restrain myself from yelling too. But it didn't work out in the end.

"Excuse me? You failed to see that I wasn't the one who hurt you! I was drunk and got assaulted for the second time that day, but you somehow managed to put the blame on me!" I yelled pointing my finger.

"But you looked like you were enjoying it! What else was I supposed to believe?" he yelled a bit louder, now pointing his finger at me back. He was a lot more intimidating now that he was stronger.

"Oh, I'm sorry if I wasn't able to control myself when I was wasted and being uncontrollably touched by multiple people in my junk area!" I said sarcastically.

"Well why were you drunk in the first place?!" He yelled even louder.

"Well excuse me Mr. Perfect! You tell me what you would have done if your childhood rapist showed up out of nowhere three years later while you're trying to buy you're boyfriend a stupid gift! And while he's trying to make a move on you all over again, you accidentally kill him! Please tell me how else I should've handled it." I screamed. Everything was quiet. Everything had escalated so quickly. Too quickly. He just stared at me in horror. He just stood there for a solid minute and tears began falling down his cheeks.

"You were only 13?" he cried slowly, breaking down and crying into his palms. The anger began to seep away from me as I saw how awful he felt. "I'm so sorry. God I'm sorry. How could I say that? Of course it wasn't your fault. I just loved you so much and it's like you were yanked away from me. I needed you Eren and they took you away from me." he cried. I pulled him into a hug and he continued to cry for a bit. I had started crying a bit too but I wasn't making any noise.

"I know. I needed you too." I finally said. "Armin, you should know something." He continued to cry against my chest as he held tight around my torso. "I think about you everyday. I replay memories of us in my head, of when we were happy. I think about how you didn't sign up for my mess of a life. And I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that wanted it to happen again. I'd be lying if I said a part of me didn't still have feelings for a part of you. But those parts of us aren't who we are anymore, and we need to recognize that." I finished. He sobbed even louder and it wasn't long before I broke down too and let out little whimpers as we shook in each other's embrace.

"It's so hard to let go when you were everything to me." he quivered.

"But you have to. Because if you don't then I won't be able to either. And I'm done lingering in the past." it took a few moments of crying with each other, processing the fact that our love was coming to an end, for him to finally accept it and nod in my chest. The tears didn't stop and all I could do was just hug him tighter, like he was my lifeline.

"I'm leaving soon. I don't know if I'll come back. Just promise you won't forget me."

"As if that was even possible in the first place."

"Do you remember, when we were on drugs and I told you that you were the love of my life?" he asked with a shaky voice, still not breathing normally.

"How could I not?"

"I guess we were part of that 80% now aren't we?" he said, stifling a pained chuckle. Another wave of hurt slammed against my chest.

"I guess we are."

"Eren."

"Armin."

"I hope you never get eaten by a bear." We both simultaneously laughed.

"I hope you never get eaten by a bear."