So, simply because i've been getting comments on my inspiring book, i wanna say this.
Sadly yes, i have made my self throw up. it has been nearly two weeks.
actually it has been.
i think.
but uh
yeah. this is hard to talk about
i may or may not be one of those people who put others before myself
and that's a good thing, but only to an extent
what i mean is that if i'm going through hell, and my friends need me i will help them.
this would be a good thing, if part of the reason wasn't the fact that i don't view myself as important.
at all.
so i put my friends before me because i love them and their problems are worse
actually that is true
my friends are some pretty strong people because they've went through hell
and i'm very proud of them
ALL of them
i mean yes i've gone through some stuff
some really REALLY REALLY fucked up stuff....
but i haven't told nearly anyone
but my friends go through
which is why i nearly didn't say anything about purging.
which they would be mad about
because they wanted me to tell them if it happened
but anyway i don't view myself to be important
and it's also why you might notice that i joke about me being worthless, or dumb etc
and no i don''t think i'm dumb'
it's one of the very few things that are good about me
at least in my opinion
i can be a pretty shitty human
a lot of my friends have gone through a lot and still are, and i don't want to bother them. i hate being a burden.
so i just didn't say anything at first
The reason i did?
because i knew that if i didn't say anything the guilt would have pushed me to the edge
and i would have taken my life.
the thing is, i still feel terrible about hurting my friends
NONE of them are mad at me for making myself throw up
i'm just mad at myself.
i promised i wouldn't and i did
so i told someone before it got to that point.
and then i cried because i though everyone would hate me
actually my friends would probably think i'm quite dumb if i told them that i though they would think i was worthless
i am dumb
or blind
because like my friends love me a lot (for some reason)
and wouldn't think that(for whatever reason)
and another thing
why the HELL does everyone who knows what i look like think i'm beautiful
BUT I DON'T
like seriously
and it sucks.
plus it's really getting to me
it is very mentally tiring and emotionally tiring to hate yourself as much as i do
so
to the people who do,
you're not alone
you're beautiful
if u say ur not
i will argue with u
i love u
and the would WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU
