She walked aimlessly through the halls of the temple. She had been walking for so long, trying to avoid the voices in her head. She honestly stopped paying attention to where she was, and didn't realize how far she'd gone until she found herself passing the mess hall. For a few precious moments the screaming stopped, and instead she only heard the low grumble her stomach made.
Finally deciding that she needed food, Ahsoka walked towards the automatic door, pausing slightly to give the old thing a moment to open up for her. Honestly it should have been replaced years ago, but technically it still functioned, and apparently no one had complained yet.
"Hey kid, haven't seen you around these parts for a while," Rex joked, about to shove a forkful of some tasteless ration packet in his mouth.
"Been busy, I've had some tough training lately," She lied through her teeth, although it was a rather convincing lie to someone who couldn't sense it. Her lekku, although a few shades paler than they had been a couple months ago, still swooshed around her shoulders. They had gotten pretty long, and had recently been teased a few times by some of the clones. Just playful of course, but it was still a little embarrassing when it happened in front of superiors (which luckily wasn't often)
"Well then, this meal'll probably all that much more enjoyable then." He had since shoved his mouth full with the ration and spoke more in mumbles than anything.
"Ya, I guess it will." She reached up for a prepackaged something, all she cared to know was whether it was meat or not. If anything was going to sustain the malnourished Togruta, it had to be meat.
She would normally have sat with the clones, but she didn't know if she could keep up moral for long enough, or even if she could stomach the meal without her looking off. Instead she just made her excuse to Rex about having someplace to be, and opened up the ration packet on her way out the door.
She picked up the dehydrated jerky of some sort and tried to take a bite of it. She ripped off a small portion and tried to swallow, only for her empty stomach to both crave, and revolt it. It was as if it had been too used to the emptiness that it couldn't function with food anymore. She gulped it down, although she was afraid it might come back up, and stole away another few bites before throwing it in a drawer when she got to her room.
Anakin had since been in their shared quarters, she knew this because of the light on in the bathroom, but no noise seemed to escape it. Going to investigate and see if her master was there, she quickly ran to the drawer with the jerky, then back into the bathroom when he was no where to be found.
As the clamps holding her gloves gave way to her pulling, she could already start to feel an inkling of the relief the blade would give her. She wasn't even sure how long she had been doing it, cutting. She didn't remember when it got bad. But she remembered the first time she did it, vaguely. She had almost passed out, not being ready for what the pain held.
It was after a mission... A failed mission to be exact. Anakin was avoiding her, even Rex and some of the other clones had turned their backs on her for a little while. Nothing she wasn't used to, she had made mistakes like this before, and she always learned from her mistakes, and relationships were back to normal. She couldn't keep herself in line, she couldn't stay focused, and it costed men their lives. If she had only sensed the droid army approaching a minute sooner, she could have saved her men. Instead, twenty three bodies lay dead that day, littered around the battle field. When she had seen the knife on her bedside table, the one Padme had given her for her life day, she thought she deserved the pain, and she was going to inflict it. A gasp had left her lips with the first cut, just above her wrist. Blood trickled down to her fingers before she really processed what she had done. Instantly she regretted it... Or did she? She washed off the blood quickly, dabbing the wound with a paper towel, but she couldn't help but feel like she deserved the pain. And for a moment, the voices in her head went away. The ones calling her a failure, a disgrace, incompitent, they all dulled for a few precious moments.
It only got worse from there. One cut turned into three, and the next day it repeated. When the voices got a little better she stopped for a few days, until she looked at herself in the mirror one day. She saw herself half naked, with only a portion of fabric wrapped around her middle, and her leggings remaining.
Look how ugly you are
So much fat, you need to train harder
You shouldn't have eaten this morning
Failure
Hideous
What ugly markings, no one else has them
She couldn't make the voices stop and was forced to grab her blade. Ripping off the gloves she made a quick slice down her forearm. She was running out of space. Switching hands, the blade now slid down her right arm in an agonizing pain, yet it slowed the voices down.
She looked at the blood dripping off her arm and forming a puddle on the sink. She was so tired, exhausted from this constant cycle that only lead to worse outcomes every time. Wake up at the crack of dawn. Train. Wander the halls for a while, avoiding any sign of Anakin or any other Jedi, studying, classes, then back to training until she laid down in her bed to try and get a few precious hours of uninterrupted sleep. Sometimes before training, sometimes after classes, Ahsoka would find time to run the knife down her arm again.
When the puddle of blood was cleared, and her arm stopped bleeding, Ahsoka walked out of the bathroom in perfect timing for Anakin to return.
"Hey Snips,"
"Master," She replied with a yawn, hoping she didn't leave any trace of the blood on the sink, or of her fear in her voice.
"Why so tired, you haven't exactly been on that many missions lately." He joked, stopping to talk to her as she passed.
"I trained a lot today, and studying Mandalorian history isn't only tiring, but confusing as Kriff." She tried to walk on without any suspicion.
"Well get some good rest, we're being briefed on a mission tomorrow." Great. She said to herself. Not only won't I have my knife, but there's no telling how long I'll be gone.
With a grunt and a nod, she let her bedroom door shut behind her, and she flopped immediately on her bed. She might get a lot of nightmares, but that didn't seem to stop the pure exhaustion from taking over her body.
Hopefully chapters will continue with this length, around a thousand words. If it wavers it'll more likely be longer than shorter, but tell me which length you prefer. Thanks! :)
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Darkness
Fanfiction(My poetic description) She wasn't sure when it started. She wasn't sure it'd ever stop. Ahsoka tried not to at first, she knew it was bad, but with nowhere left to turn, she finally gave in and accepted it: She was depressed, and she was cutting. S...
