Darkness

Part Six

He wasn't sure how slow time went, but he knew it was too slow. Holding his unconscious Padawan in his arms, still bleeding slightly through the towel. He picked her up, gently carried her towards the door, setting her down in the hallway. She had a pulse. He could feel her heartbeat against his chest.

Within minutes a crew of medical clones and a droid appeared with a gurney. Anakin lifted her on, and Obi-Wan grabbed his shoulder. He knew Anakin was just about to freak out, he was already on the edge of tearing his own hair out. 

They followed closely behind the group of clones, one of which Anakin recognized as Cub. She was ushered into a room in the medbay where Obi-Wan held his former Padawan back. They both knew they'd do more harm than good if they followed.

It was only twenty minutes or so, but to both of them it felt like hours. They could only think about the teenage girl laying on a bed, practically welcoming death. She was too young to die, too young to be fighting in this war, she didn't deserve the pain she was putting herself through.

Two clones came out of the room. One was Cub, another Anakin didn't recognize.

"We stitched up her cuts and inserted a feeding tube, she should be just fine, but she's still out cold." He told the both of them.

Anakin didn't wait to be told he could enter, he just walked right through and up to the bed where a frail little girl lay undisturbed by nightmares, or the voices that had previously been screaming in her head.

Anakin sat on the side of the bed and took a gentle hold of her hand, stroking her fingers. He knew right then that he wouldn't leave her side until she woke up. Obi-Wan joined him on the other side of her and just stared. She might not be his Padawan, but that girl was a daughter to him, and he wasn't about to loose her.

They didn't have to wait long for Ahsoka to squeeze Anakin's hand back. When she realized what had happened she instantly took back her silent comment from earlier that today would be a good day.

Anakin stood still, eyes wide, and he felt her hand squeeze his, waiting for some other movement. It didn't take more than a moment for her body to shift a little, and her eyes to flutter open.

Words had escaped here, but when he saw both Anakin and Obi-Wan by her side, she couldn't help but let a grin make it's way across her face.

"You scared us, little one." Obi-Wan told her, stroking her fingers like Anakin had been doing previously. "But you're safe now."

"I'm so sorry Ahsoka, I should have realized that something was wrong, but I was just too blind, I-"

"I didn't want to you to find out master, it's not your fault." She sat up a little in her bed.

No one spoke for a moment. "I would have helped you, Ahsoka." He whispered. "I wanted to help you."

"I know that now. But in the moment, I felt like nothing else could have helped." She started opening up.

"Tell me more." Obi-Wan took this as his que. He stood up and squeezed her hand again, implying that he's be back, and that he loved her.

"The voices, they were so loud, so hurtful. They kept telling me..." She paused. "They told me horrible things, they said no one loved me, that I should just kill myself and do everyone a favor." You could tell that tears were threatening to fall from both of them. "The cutting, the pain, it numbed them for a little while, it made them stop. It felt better than the voices so I just... did it." A tear finally fell from her cheek and she used her free hand to quickly brush it away.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you, Ahsoka."

"You would have if I told you. Don't beat yourself up for something you didn't do." They were both silent.

"I'm glad you're still here. Don't forget that, Snips."

"I won't."

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Ahsoka was out of the medbay in a few days. She would have been out sooner had it not been for the malnutrition. The feeding tube was uncomfortable, and was taken out as soon as she said she would eat something.

Anakin held to his promise, he never left her side. Not until she was safely back in their quarters. They did have a problem, but it never seemed to reach them. They didn't know what the council would have done had they found out about Ahsoka. Would they suspend her for the weakness she showed? Was it against the Jedi code? They honestly couldn't be sure. But it had been a few days, Ahsoka was back to eating almost normally, and she was sure the council knew, there was no way they didn't with Obi-Wan on it. And yet, the two of them were never spoken to about it. 

Not many people knew what actually happened. Just the medical clones, Anakin, and Obi-Wan ever knew the full story. But Ahsoka was willing to tell it, or at least pieces of it. It was Cub that inspired her. When Ahsoka told him what happened to her arms, she said they were battle scars. He didn't ask with who, or how she got them, but he smiled a smile that she knew meant he was there for her and he understood. So from then on out, they were her battle scars. Her battle with herself. She made it a point that whenever she told her story, (or the very vague version of it) to make sure she said that they might have been battle scars, but she won the battle.

After that day, things started getting better. Not immediately, and it wasn't easy, but she was getting better. She had her bad days, even days of relapse. But this time Anakin was there, and so was Obi-Wan, and Cub. She knew that she wouldn't just be able to heal from something like this, she'd be stuck with those scars forever, but she knew that something inside her had changed. Something made her get up every morning. Whatever it was, it brought her back to a place where her eyes were the same beautiful electric blue, she gained back the weight she had lost, and her smile once again lit up a room.