Me After You

When Everything Started

20 years ago

At first, I did not realized what was going on. Everything just went so fast. It took me a moment to get that I was actually kissing another woman. How could I get into this situation and how will I get out of it? I had no idea. But it looked like I had given this woman signs that I wanted to kiss her. Otherwise, she would not be kissing me right now, would she? How the hell could it have come to this? Everything had just gone so wrong. How could I have been this blind? Only now I began to understand what an asshole I really had been. But now it was probably already too late. I pushed her away and told her: "I can't do this, I'm sorry." She did not want to believe it. She kept insisting and would not let go. I could not blame her, it was all my fault. "Then tell me that this is all in my head and there isn't something between us...I know it's there!" At the first time in a while, I did the right thing. "I love my wife. I'm married. I don't want anything else than I have with her! I have to go...right now, I have to go" And as if I had just woken up from a bad dream, I was suddenly aware of how wrong this all had been. I had left Meredith and my kids back in Seattle to further my career. Hadn't I actually promised Meredith that she would put her career first now? And really, nothing should be more important in life than family.

It took me until I was on the plane to realize that I had left my cell phone in the lab. I looked at my wristwatch and saw that it wasn't a relieved Meredith waiting for me at home, because she was happy that I had finally understood what was really important, but a Meredith who believed that I had cheated on her. Meredith and I talked on the phone every day at the same time to tell each other about our daily happenings. So now, if she called me on my phone at that particular time, Renee, the girl I've kissed, would answer the phone. She had done that many times when I couldn't answer the phone, but just never with Meredith. Every time Mer called I answered.  I just hoped that everything would go well. I also told myself that I had not cheated on my wife. After all, I had pushed Renee away to do the right thing afterwards. But in my deepest thoughts I actually knew that I was just lying to myself with this excuse. It is not just the kissing, but also the looks I gave her. I was flirting. That was cheating and not the kiss, which I didn't even started.

When the plane landed, I called from the airport my phone. "Hello, this is Doctor Shepherd's phone" I could recognize Renee's voice. "Uh yes, this is Doctor Shepherd. I was wondering if my wife called by any chance." I didn't have time to think about how to handle the situation with Renee at the moment. For now, I just ignored the fact that I had kissed her just a couple of hours ago and that she had feelings for me. I just blocked all that out. "Yeah she did. About an hour ago. Listen, I'm very sorry that I misinterpreted your signs. I just thought-" I just interrupted her because I was putting together another part of my life himself right now and the "Renee thing" was just at the bottom of my list. Maybe I was a bad person about it, yeah maybe. It didn't really matter right now anyway. "What did you say to her?" "I uh I don't know" "Renee, what did you say to her?" I spoke to her very firmly. "I didn't know what to say, you weren't there anymore...I didn't... I just hung up on her. I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do." "Oh God, Oh God. This is not good, not good at all. Okay, uh thank you Renee. For being honest." "Yeah, sure- anytime." Again I interrupted her, only this time I hung up completely.

I got a rental car and drove home as fast as he could, to my house, to Meredith and my kids. It was only when I got to the door and that I noticed I had also left my keys in the labor. "Oh my god, what is going on with me today?", I thought. I tried to push the door open, hoping that might be not closed, which was actually a stupid idea, because why would my wife left the door open, but still I tried. But after some jiggling and pulling, it occurred to me that it was not open. I stopped and just wanted to rang the door bell, even though it would wake up my kids, but Meredith opened the door for me. I could see the amazement on her face, she hadn't been expecting me. Maybe because she thought I cheated on her and then would just ran away with Renee and never come back. But I would never do that again, not to her. After I did that to Addison and it turned out to be a very bad idea. It ended our Marriage. I didn't know what to say at all. On the plain I had some ideas, what I could say to her but they all were bad ideas, that did not age very well. But then, some random thing flew out of my mouth. All of sudden. "I took the first flight to get here." She didn't say anything at all first, just a silent "Aha" came from her. I had to fix a lot of things. "You called me and a woman answered my phone, right?", I said. "Yeah, I called you and a woman answered your phone." I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I felt so incredibly guilty. She let me in and I directly tried to talk to Meredith, but she wouldn't listen to me and just went to bed. She was really mad at me and wanted to sleep a night to think about everything and order her thought. This was the worst night of my life. Not knowing if my marriage with Meredith was still salvageable. 

The next morning, I tried to start a conversation with her again. This time she did listen to me, but she still was not believing anything what I tried to tell her at all. "I left my phone at the lab. By the time I figured out I left it, I was already at the airport coming to you." I tried to tell her with the right words that I was so sorry. "And she picked up your phone, why?" "She probably thought it was me. Sometimes, when I am busy the residents answer my phone so I can continue my work. When the plain landed I called her from the airport. Then she told me she spoke to you." But it didn't help, she would not believe me. "Is that it? Is that everything you have to say? You think I should just forget about all the things you did?  All the things you said to me?" "Okay Meredith, look; I already told you, that I am really sorry about everything I have done and I've told you everything, several time, the whole story about what happened. All of it. But if you want to, I'll go through it all again." I was so close to losing her and I was going to stop that, whatever it costs. Actually, I was also really mad on her too because when I first choose my family over working for the president, she never had my back and always blamed me for that choice. It was a huge step for me, back then. But I did not say anything because then she probably would be more mad and we could not save any part of our marriage anymore. "I wish I could believe you", she said. "Meredith...", I tried one last time, but this time she blocked completely. "You should spend the day with the kids. They would love it. They really missed you." And already she had disappeared through the front door.