Me After You

I Wish We Had More Time

I thought about myself a few hours ago when I had first arrived at this hospital and I came to her Room. When I thought I could still save her. When I was hopeful. This time I had my daughter by the hand and my son in my arms and I wasn't hopeful at all. I didn't feel like I could still somehow fix  everything and everything will work out. No. Now I felt the complete opposite. Empty. Helpless. Angry. But most of broken. It was a feeling like I wanted to scream and beat all the pain out of my body. It was a feeling like I wanted to be silent and cry inside and outside in a corner where no one could see or hear me. I felt unbearable mad. Mad at the world, the universe. To let me meet the love of my life and making me doing such bad things and let her believe I didn't love her. I was so mad at everything.

When we got to Meredith, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Zola let go of my hand and walked over to my mother. I stood right behind her, still holding Bailey in my arms. "Mom?" Zola took her hand. "Mommy?" She took her hand and for a long time she said just nothing. Zola just sobbed. "I'm gonna make you so proud of me, okay? Mom, you're sleeping with the angels now, but you'll always be by my side, I know that...I know you'll look after me. Right? I love you, Mom.", she guaranteed. It was heartbreaking. She put her hand back, turned around and hugged me instantly. I stroked her head. I was aware Bailey would probably never remember his wonderful, loving mother, but I still took Meredith's hand and placed it on Bailey's. My son suddenly paused, feeling his mothers touch. Meredith's hand was cold. After a while I put her hand back beside her in the bed and turned. A nurse took Zola by the hand and was now taking Bailey from me. It was my turn to say goodbye. I turned and walked slowly back to the right side of her bed. Nothing right now I wanted more than her being alive. I would give anything. Literally anything.

It had been different with Bailey, I had no trouble taking her hand, but this time I struggled. Finally I grabbed her hand, I clasped it between my two. I knew I couldn't, but I wanted to warm the hand up. I kissed the back of her hand and then I just started talking to her. "I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry and I know I should've said it earlier, I shouldn't run away, I shouldn't leave you, but I did and I know you're really mad at me, but I came home, Meredith. For you. You're the love of my life. You'll always be. And I- I don't think, I can ever forgive myself for leaving you. Ever." I shook my head slightly, as if to emphasize his statements. I had tears in my eyes, I looked at her. "And now we're here...How did we get this far, mh?" I sighed, "And now I could tell you a thousand things but in the end it's just... But now all I can say is... I love you Meredith Grey, I always have been and I always will be. Always. So Mer please if there is any chance- Mer? Meredith please, I need you, please just come back to me, please." Tears rolled down my face and I squeezed her hand tighter and tighter. I just didn't want to let go of her. This couldn't be the end, could it? "Okay... okay alright, it's um okay, it's okay. You go... We'll be fine, I'm gonna take care of our kids and someday we'll see each other again, right? In another life we'll get our happy ending and I will wait for you as long as it takes. But for now..." I stood up, let go of her hand, brushed her hair out of her face and kissed her on the forehead. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the last moment with her, the last touch, the last kiss. "You can go."
I was sitting in the waiting room with my children. Both had fallen asleep, it had become very late night. Suddenly, the man whose arrogance had just killed the love of my life, showed up. Anger started to rise in me. On myself, the world, the damn destiny. "Sir? I thought this would be a good time to um..." He cut off and sat down, next to me. "Where are the papers?", asked I straight out, knowing exactly what was coming now. "Mr Shepherd there are some things you need to know. Some things we need to discuss. Difficult things-" Derek interrupted him. "I'm a doctor, a surgeon, I know how all this works. You need me to sign these, to decide about an organ donation, to sign a piece of paper to take off the machine's, that are holding her alive, to declare her dead. Is that about to cover it, doctor? Is that what you want to talk to me about? While I sit here with my sleeping children? You wanna talk about killing my wife? Give me the papers." I was getting louder and louder and tears were coming to my eyes, again. In the end, I almost shouted at that man. I didn't want to claim that I make never mistakes. I had already killed many people in my career because I had not carried out my work carefully enough. I had destroyed so many families as well. Of course I was very sorry, but the next day there was another new life to save and often I didn't think about the families anymore and I was so incredibly ashamed of that right now. I turned out to be one of those families now too who were destroyed by the arrogance and carelessness of a surgeon. "Sir-" The surgeon tried to calm me down again, but I was too upset. I interrupted him again and this time really yelled at the doctor. "Give me the damn papers!"

Zola and Bailey were very tired, but both wanted to stay up, especially Zola wanted to be there when they turned off the machines. Two by two they walked down the hall, I had Bailey in my arms again. Bailey fell asleep again, but I couldn't blame him, he was still very young and didn't really understand what was going on. When we walked into the room and I saw Meredith again with all the tubes, IVs and machines, a shiver went through my body. The sight seemed to affect Zola as well, and she took a startled breath. I hugged her and we walked the last few steps to her bed together. The sight seemed to affect Zola as well, and she took a startled breath. I hugged her and we walked the last few steps to her bed together. I sat down on the chair that was next to her bed and Zola settled down on my lap. We took her hand together, suddenly Zola started sobbing. She tried to suppress it, but it just came over her. I whispered in her ear "Hey, no it's okay, you can cry, it's okay." Tears rolled down her face, of course, she just lost her mum. But I didn't allow himself to cry, no I could not. I had to be strong, for my children. I could not let it break me. Then the nurse came into the room to turn off the machines and remove the tubes. She started to turn off the equipment, I was paralyzed. I showed no emotion, no sadness. There was nothing, I felt empty, so incredibly empty. Everything seemed so surreal. Zola, meanwhile, had tears flowing down her cheeks in heaps. In a choked voice she said. "Goodbye, Mom." I kissed Zola's head and closed my eyes so I would not start crying, too. The nurse removed the ventilator from Meredith's windpipe. I stood up and put my hand on Meredith's chest. It sank down, she had taken her last breath. She is dead. Meredith is dead. And she had not forgiven me. She hadn't forgiven me... "Dad?" Zola shook my arm. I looked down at her. Her eyes were red, tears still streaming down her face. "Dad, are you okay?" "Zola...You're asking me that? You must be miserable, but yeah, I think we'll be okay, right?" She nodded. I spoke to her, full of hope, so she could believe me, but in reality I was anything but hopeful. I didn't want to be hopeful, no, I just wanted to suddenly wake up from my warm, cozy bed, to realize it was all just a nightmare. I wanted to look to the side and see Mer telling me it was just a dream and she was right next to me. I wanted to be able to kiss her and hug her and then go back to sleep comforting her in my arms. But all this was not a dream. It was the complete opposite, it was hell on earth.