'for as long as i live' remus lupin x reader

chapter 8

R.J Lupin:

12th November-
It's been a few days since I've last seen Y/N, I don't blame her for staying away. I was pushing her too hard to speak when so much had happened that day already. I hope she's okay, I would of gone to see if she had attended her other lessons but maybe a week of rest will help her.

18th November-
Still no sign of her. I'm starting to grow a bit of concern but once again I know what she's like and she may just be staying low until that day is well and truly behind her. The full moon is tomorrow so I will sadly be out of action for a couple of days. I miss our detentions though, it was nice to have company even if it was a 7th year student who reminded me a little too much of Sirius. I may ask her if she has anymore cassette tapes... yes! That will truly brighten the mood for our next detention.

25th November-
No sign of Y/N whatsoever. I've heard students murmuring she hasn't left her bed for over a week. Not once.
It's infuriating to see that no other professors seem to care, however I don't want to overstep my boundaries and just waltz into the dorms- that truly would be a foolish move. The full moon seemed to be especially cruel the other day, I can't tell weather I was simply not taking enough wolfsbane or if it was my heightened concerns over Y/N.

1st December-
I'm getting truly worried now. I pulled aside one of the nicer-looking 7th year Slytherins and they just said she only left the dorm for water and the bathroom. I told her to bring some food for Y/N but I still feel so guilty. I should be doing something about this but I'm simply not allowed. The slytherin quarters are not my place to intrude on and I'm hardly going to ask Severus to check up on the girl- he'll make everything worse for her.
Half term holidays are coming up soon. I'm aware she spends the holidays here and so do I, maybe then we will finally be able to talk.

8th December-
I've been stuck in this god-awful bed for weeks, believe me I'd rather be anywhere but here right now but try telling that to my broken stupid brain that won't give me a good enough reason to get out. I miss him so much. I hate to admit it but I've never had someone speak to me as nicely as Remus did. He does seem different to the other adults I've known, but that shouldn't give me a reason to suddenly trust him.

if he cared that much he'd have come to you by now.
he just feels sorry for you, he's only pretending to be interested in your life.

It's nearly the half term holidays. So much time has been wasted just sitting in this bed and feeling sorry for the myself. A whole month...
I can't remember the last time I ate. One of the 1st years was dropping off food for me under Lupins instructions, but maybe it was just a lie.
If he really wanted to he would of come right?
Maybe it's my scars, maybe I disgusted him.
I'm ashamed too, I wouldn't be surprised.

get a grip and do something productive
or go and make yourself feel better
get rid of that guilty feeling.

Fighting the sudden urges I sit up in my bed. The world goes black and I start seeing stars- I'm not surprised I've been lay down for a couple of days. I need to practice my magic, I've not picked up a wand for weeks and my brain-fog has made me seemingly forget all the potions and spells I've learned over the years.

I grab a notepad from my desk and scrunch up a piece of paper into a ball, throwing it in the air it levitates in front of me. I start to fight against the mental blocks in my head and I focus on a task that would of been simple a few weeks ago but now feels impossible.

I set my eyes on the sphere of paper and it finally starts to spark and burn, small flames start to arise from it.
I sigh with relief, If I can still do wandless magic then everything else will come back in time. The ball is now engulfed with flames, it's ferociously burning but still under control. Something has always fascinated me about fire, the way it looks and the sounds and the smell, everything about it is so... alive.
Everything about it is the opposite of me. I would love to be like fire, just for one day.

My daydreams are cut off abruptly by a small knock at the door. No one in this dorm knocks on the door, and Snape certainly wouldn't either.
I don't say anything but the door opens a little anyway, a concerned face peaks through the small crack.
'Hello Professor' my voice horsely says, I haven't spoke in weeks.
'Oh Y/N..' he rushes in and starts to move towards me, but seems to remember my reaction to his touch a few weeks ago and hesitates awkwardly.
'It's fine Remus, just sit on the edge of the bed, let me move this paper'
I move my hand upwards and the ball of flames disappears into thin air, leaving a small pile of ashes on the bed.
He raises his eyebrows, 'Impressive... wandless magic- I've seen you do it before.'
I give him a small smile, 'It seems to be a knack I've had my entire life I guess, nearly set fire to my dads house when I was 10.'

Remus gives a small chuckle but goes back to the somber expression on his face.
'Is.... have... are you okay Y/N, genuinely?' he gently asks.
I don't know what to even say anymore, we both know the answer but my mouth seems to have closed up, I can't speak.
Remus gives a small smile and pats his knees with a sigh. 'Well, you've been here for quite a while Y/N, those clothes are the same ones you wore last time you saw me- how about we get you cleaned up? You'll feel a little better after a shower and fresh sheets I'm sure..'

He's right, I give him a nod. I start to get up but then I realise the bathrooms will be full of 7th year girls. Fuck that.
'The bathrooms, they'll be full of people sir.. Maybe another time, when it's not busy?' my voice is starting to come back a little now so I don't sound like a drowned frog at least.
'Ah... well, you could always use my personal bathroom? Only if it's okay with you of course!' Remus asks me.
'Okay' I obliged, 'Promise not to be judgmental though, please?'
'Never in a million years.' he assures me, 'Stay for tea also, I want to make sure your eating well.'