runaway.

chapter 13 - hell or home.

luke.

stella looks like a petite angel sleeping in front of me.  a bruised, banged up, little angel. strands of her wavy hair, now combed out by my fingers, fall over her face messily with her lips parted ever so slightly. she lays so still that i almost worry if she's still breathing but i have the monitor to look at. for the first time since i've mer her, stella looks peaceful.

i've been in pediatric medicine for almost seven years. i've worked with over hundreds of kids from little toddlers to teenagers about to go off to college. never have i felt a connection with a patient that i have felt with stella. fixing people is what i do, but i want to heal her physically and emotionally brand new. she won't admit it and i don't know to what depths she's hiding, but i know how she's experiencing something no kid should have to go through.

i mean, think about everything that has led us up to this point. the first time i saw stella madden she was hiding a 2 inch deep cut across her cheek snd in need of medical attention. she's hesitant and i couldn't get her to talk about her family or school, something most kids relax at a little while discussing. she missed her follow up appointment for removing stitches and i found her on the side of the street with yet again more injuries. calling her house number i was met with an unpleasant, angry woman who i presume to be stella's mother.

she's constantly in baggy, oversized clothing that she freaks out every time i suggest we remove it. her stomach was covered in scars and bruises when i did get the hoodie off. she bugged out about me calling her parents just earlier. she thinks i've forgotten about it and she can hide. well, stella is hiding in the wide open.

"god kid, what are you doing to me?" i sigh while brushing some of those strands back away from her face. she twitches ever so slightly in her sleep.

i shouldn't be sitting here wasting this much time with a single patient. it's unproductive and it's unlike me. but stella is different. i don't want any other doctor coming in here and scaring her. i want her to feel safe enough to get some sleep. when i go home from work, i wonder about stella, where she is, what's she is up to, and if she's safe. even ashton has picked up on this and talked to me about it. i can't seem to control it. she's the only thing on my mind and i feel as if i cannot rest until she's protected from what's harming her.

when i notice her drift off into a deeper sleep, i carefully pry myself away from her body careful not to wake her. i take my place in the visitor's chair across her bed. i know better than to leave her alone in her room again. last time, i woke up to a frantic page from ashton and i know she would really freak out if i was gone when she awoke this time. i don't want to overestimate my place in her life, but i think it's safe to say i can start to feel her getting attached to me too.

it's a good and a catastrophic feeling. i've wanted nothing more than to gain stella's trust and be there for her. she won't answer the text messages i send outside the hospital, but desperately relies on me for comfort when she's here. it is catastrophic in the long run because i can't be that figure for her. she had parents. no matter to what degree i questioned their capacity to take care of her, they were still her legal guardians at the moment. it was wrong for her to be so attached to me as a patient. but i'm the one who fuels our unhealthy attachment.

i don't even know what i'm trying to say at the moment. i wasn't trying to replace her parents. that was a whole new responsibility i wasn't ready for. it's honestly just crazy talk. my mind feels like a jumbled mess of thoughts after receiving so few hours of sleep. the early morning rays of sunlight begin to peak through the cracks of the window. despite nature's call to rise and shine, the drowsiness begins to take over my body until i'm drifting off along with stella.

-

i wake up with a dry mouth and instantly search around for a glass of water. the air circulation in here will suck every last drop of moisture out of your body, which is why i much prefer to sleep at home than an on-call room. i'm too preoccupied with my thirst to notice stella is up at first. my eyes scan over the room for a cup or a bottle and gaze over hers. it makes me rapidly blink the eyes to rid them of sleep and realize that she is awake. it's amazing how she can be so quiet sometimes.