One hour of one day of my day (Slowly Editing)

Chapter 3:The Revelation

I remained in the toilet cubicle for some time doing the lounges changing the legs. I was still feeling shaken and rattled. I felt like I didn't have balance.  I got tired and closed the toilet seat and sat on top. I started digesting the accusations and insults that were exchanged in the meeting.
I said to myself  this too shall pass . But what if by the time it passes I will be at Weskoppies Psychiatric Hospital due to mental instability. Phela I come to my workplace everyday.

Weskoppies looks good . It has the best architecture designs but I don't want to be there.

I could feel that I was calming down . I looked at my surroundings again. Some things were missing in the toilet. What worried me sick was that I used the very same toilet cubicle daily including that morning before the meeting. The SHE bin was missing. The door latch strike was missing so I couldn't lock the door from inside. The wall ceramic tile had a chip. Why has this chip never pulled my clothes?

Since I gained 50 more kilogrammes, I wear bell sleeves and stretching dresses only. This chip should have pulled my clothes sleeves at some point. I thought maybe I am just too careful and that's why this chipped tile never pulled out my clothes.

I missed the baby powdery smell that the automatic air-mist releases when it sensed motion in the bathroom.Why have I never noticed that these items were missing.  I was going to report all this to Support Office when I come out of the toilet.

While sitting there failing to listen to music or reading the update on  my ebook my whole life failures came like a wave to my mind. If I have failed to notice such small things  how could I see  these office accusations coming.

I remembered that at Montebello High School, when I was doing Form 2, I studied so hard but I failed. I had to repeat a class. I failed for the first time ever . I was so shaken. I cried silently for the longest possible time. My  father was spitting fire. He blamed me for failing. He was so unsympathetic towards me. I didn't know what else should I have done to pass the class.  Fortunately for me, I survived because some of our teachers were very human. They were there for me emotionally especially the principal Sr Michael and my then former class teacher Sr Celestine Ndlovu. God bless them.

My second failure came to my mind. I was at college. I never understood didactics so much that I was the only one who would sit for a re-write during exams.  What was wrong with me?

How could I forget my third failure, my first boyfriend Joel.
He swept me off my feet. He praised me. He bought me my first valentine's present. He never expected anything in exchange. He introduced me to all his family and step family members. I caught him cheating  on me with Beaulah. Beulah was a student like me but from another college in Hammersdale. What broke me was that when I finally met the source of my pain,  she looked exactly like me. People thought we were identical twins. Was Joel into collecting every woman that looked like me, I wondered. I could not see that he was lying to me. Maybe I am careless and can't see things that are in front of me.

I thought of all the relationships that I have had with everyone at current workplace , previous workplaces, school, college, in-laws , my paternal and maternal family. I thought of the good and the nasty and came to the realisation that maybe I don't judge people because I am blind and I make excuses for them. I have faith and I trust people. That was my fault.

My fourth  failure was Financial Accounting.  It is one of the subjects that I have to do as part of the Bachelor of Public Administration. I  just never understood it. I kept failing it so much that for me to pass it one of my young colleagues, Matla Letsatsi intervened . After her intervention, I passed. She should have been a lecturer.  I praised the Lord for her. I said to myself , "Financial Accounting relates to every transaction that I make from the till slip to my bank statement but I kept  failing it. I was missing something when it comes to it.
It means that I am blind when it comes to some things or maybe just plain careless or a damn fool.

That's when my looks came to my mind. "How do I look" I asked myself
I always thought that I looked normal . I am always shinny due to heat flushes that I get.  But maybe I don't look at the mirror carefully, I thought. Maybe I look like the black mamba that is about to kill. Do I look like I want to remove the management and become one, I asked myself. I guess some people think so. Maybe the management was not out of line when they say their safety was compromised in my midst, so much that I have been reported to their  next of kin as a threat.

I have always thought that I looked normal but maybe I look like I  want to kill.  Maybe I failed again to analyse my looks carefully. Maybe I deserve to be reported as a threat to the next of kin.

I prayed to  God that nothing happens to a person that has reported me to their next of kin because I will be in deep shit should they get sick even from Corona. I must stay in my office and refrain from entering my colleagues' offices for greetings in the morning. For my sanity, safety and management peace of mind , I must keep to myself.

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"Time brings all things to pass." - Aeschylus-

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Bongiwe Bhengu Lushaba