One hour of one day of my day (Slowly Editing)

Chapter 4: Precious Memories

I sat there in the toilet broken. I was broken to discover how blind I was . I have been blind since I was in Form two.

I thought of my friends then. I thought of a specific one, Priscilla. May her soul rest in peace. I went to Montebello High School with her. Priscilla used to tell me all the wrong things I did straight on my face. We called it Telling You Nine-nine. Priscilla and sometimes Maureen would tell me Nine-nine. They was no sugar coating at all. She was the one who would pop my joy bubble all the time. I loved her. Why didn't she mention the part of my looks. The part that I looked like I wanted somebody gone.

When I changed schools and went to Pholela Institute of Learning, I got a new friend, Eva Rista. To my surprise, except for the looks, she behaved like Priscilla and Maureen.

I though about all my friends from then I remembered that one of my former friends, Octavia. I met her when I started working after I got a diploma from college. Octavia once said that my resting face pauses questions when we have staff meetings in which I was quiet but disagreeing with everything. I took it as a joke. She told me I even press my lips together so that I don't make a sound.

One of my friends once said, I have the loudest silence . My boyfriend Griffin used to repeat what Octavia used to tell me and more. I thought maybe he wanted me to engage in conversations and when I do, he will complain about my brutal honesty.

Maybe this loudest silence that I do that makes management concludes that I am out to eliminate them therefore the responsible next of kin should be told of me.

I wondered how safe was I. If people out there though that I have the potential of making them one parent less, or one child less or spouse less or even ex-spouse less, they might retaliate.

The flood of tears ran down my cheeks as thought about my own safety .

My kids frequent the office . They don't take the train if they came out of school later than 15.00pm. I get home first if they take a train after half past three in the afternoon. " How safe were my kids ?" I asked myself. I said a silent prayer for protection.

I so consumed by my own sadness I don't know if anyone came to the bathroom or not. I don't remember hearing any footsteps.

I thought maybe someone had major insecurity issues. My degree does not allow me to take any management position. All employees with my qualifications are administrative staff. Phela our workplace needs a specific qualification which is  Civil Engineering. One must be Qualified Civil Engineer and be registered with the relevant Engineering Council. I don't have these qualifications.  Just like my diary, my qualifications are not a secret. Why would anyone think that I am out to eliminate them. In this institution, I can't be appointed in the management position that requires engineering as a major.

"Maybe I look like I can be the next management, nxa uyazi." I said to myself. Yoh, maybe due to my blindness and carelessness, I never noticed that I look like I am the manager in waiting? OMG, what if I do? All these accusations are draining my energy.

Finally I could feel the trembling subsiding. My feet felt more firm on the ground. Finally I could breathe. I could breathe the stinky toilet air. I still felt rattled. I must get help and get it soon.

I started chanting to myself" no accusations against me shall prosper"
As soon as I get out of here, I must apply makeup, I thought. No-one must see that I am a mess right now. Except the one I might meet as I go out and back to my office.

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There are some things learnt best in the calm, and some in a storm.

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Bongiwe Bhengu Lushaba