One hour of one day of my day (Slowly Editing)

Chapter 5: The Major Discovery

I sat in the toilet cubicle. All my failures were reflected in front of me. I was hurting so badly. I revised all the them one by one. I revised especially those that took me by surprise.

I thought of all my friends ,the current ones,the long distance ones and the former friends. I remembered their comments and encouragements. I remembered what Octavia and my boyfriend Griffin said out my resting face , especially if I was quiet but disagreeing with everything that is being discussed. I wish that they took photos.

All that started this was:
1. A meeting where it was announced that the manager does not feel safe in my midst .
2. The decision to go and sit in the toilet and
3. The discovery of the broken items that I never noticed that they were broken. That was what opened a can of worms. I was still so confused how come I never noticed that they were broken.

I noticed that I was much calmer now. The toilet still smelt bad. I thought about my looks and the comments I used to get about them. I came to the conclusion that maybe I look like a killer waiting to kill or a manager in waiting. Maybe there is something that the manager thinks that I know , there fore seeing me as a threat. What is it that I know that I shouldn't have to know?, I wondered.

I thought of my colleague Ruth. Ruth went to hell and back. There was a malicious falsehood that was spread about her. It was said that she bought an exquisite bedroom suites worth thirty-two thousand rands using the organisation's money. One literally heard an employee of our organisation saying he saw the receipt and an invoice. The other  malicious falsehood was why she never got fired. I wonder how she felt. She must have been shattered. But she kept a brave face. Lord bless her soul.

I decided that I was going to stand up get out, get to my office, apply makeup and go to Clicks pharmacy to get some over-the-counter calming medication. I can't afford to look bad and not be calm. Some of our walk- clients and some colleagues ( Lord bless them) needs patience and a good attitude. Right now I could feel that although I was feeling better but my patience and good attitude were still out of order.

I needed some calming agent, fast.
I stood up, took my phone, put in in my dress' pocket . I took my office keys and reading glasses and went out of the toilet cubicle and closed its door.

I walked to the bathroom sink to wash my hands. I noticed that the soap dispenser was mounted on the wrong wall. Today, the soap dispenser was on my right hand side but it is usually in front, next to the tap. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I thought I was loosing my mind. I opened them again and looked around. My heart started beating fast, faster and fastest in a millisecond. There is a urinal on my left hand side. My knees got giggly and loose. I tried to sprint out of the bathroom as soon as I could and got to the next bathroom .

I was trembling and shivering again. I couldn't determine if I wanted to pee or not. I need to check the passage first and see if anyone was walking around or not. Lucky I couldn't see any one. I got the soap , washed and dried my hands and got out. I got back to my office and checked the time. I couldn't believe my eyes, it was half past nine. My toilet stay felt like a decade.

I quickly applied a fresh coat of powder and lipstick. I applied the light blush on my cheeks and perfume on my clothes. The toilet was quite stinky and I was sweating a lot.

I took my wallet out of my handbag and checked if my Clicks pharmacy card was there. As I was checking I thought, I have been the calmest person that I have ever known. I always tried my best to analyse what a person might be going through before I respond or react to their behaviour or any corporate provocation. That is why I always take shit from people.

Today I discovered that I have changed. My body reacts to provocation. Today's accusations triggered a 'fight or flight' response.

As I went to the pharmacy downstairs I continued to analyse myself . The adrenal glands in my body produced stress hormones and I got blinded by rage. I had fury and never noticed. I even missed the ladies bathroom. I wondered how I looked at that time.

The only good thing was that it reminded me of my failures and maybe from now on, I will learn from them. It's never too late to learn.

"What if this happened in the afternoon?" I asked myself. What if it was time for my kids to come and wait for me so that they can go home with me? My kids can't see me like that. I must tell them never to drop by the office again. They can't hear or see these office explosions. They are also not safe.

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