this... idk

# 10 ; dear soul

19th of June 1927; Writing everything, feeling the suffocating nothingness.

I don't even understand a thing from all these, yet it hurts me so much. Are you really just from my dreams? Why do I see an ocean in you?

I refuse to waste an ink on you. You are not real. I created you only because it was night.

I will fall in love. I will have a real wife. Not even glancing back to the memories of you.

Stop adding darkness to my shameful life.

-

12th of June 1948; Writing in shame, please save me.

I know I hated you.

Now I started seeing you everyday in my dreams again. As if I just finished reading a book about you.

If I used an ink on you, would you save me? Would you take me to the universe you live in? Please help me.

I loved you.

-

13th of June 1948; Goodbye.

I must be crazy for writing a letter to someone who appeared in my dreams. I must say goodbye to you now. I'm leaving with another woman.

I wish you nothing but happiness, really.

***

I felt the wind blow through my window. As if it was him, letting me know he cared for me. I smiled and grabbed a pen.

***

31st of January 2021; I guess I still have to bear the consequences of being late.

Who would have thought.

You can barely see ink in their hands here, but for me, I will spend hours, days even, wasting it on a letter. Only if it was for you.

I'm sorry I can't protect you. But I know, right now, you are in bliss, so I have no regrets.

Although I need help too.

Maybe we were really just born as examples of contrasting their morals. Just badly tied invisible red ties.

Late but, I loved you, too.

***

Pen dropping on the ground. Heavy breathing. Winds. Blown Pages. You can hear all in that room.

I never knew tears could really rip up pages. I don't know. I didn't know. I won't know.

***

13th of June 2021; Maybe I can meet you.

I'm saying goodbye to you, with another man, too.

I can't breathe.