home | tory nichols

summer lovin'

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ambivalence; a state of having simultaneous conflicting feelings or emotions. nobody ever used that word, but i think it was safe to say that was exactly how i was feeling right now. on one hand, my twin brother had just finished second in the under-19 all-valley karate tournament, and as his sister, i was happy for him. i supported him, and wanted him to be happy. i knew that he'd been training for this and that this was a big deal to him. he may not have won, but he definitely worked hard enough to at least earn a shot at the title. on the other hand...

i'd just caught him sucking face with my girlfriend last night.

"please, just hear me out--"

"sam, if you're as smart as you're A-streak says you are, you'd know just to leave me alone right now," i scoffed, re-attempting to distance myself so i wouldn't feel obligated to punch her in the face.

"alex, come on-- you're being crazy," she protested, following me out the doors of the all-valley sports arena.

"no, you're being crazy, okay? because you and i have been dating for months, and correct me if i'm wrong, but that usually means you don't make out with other people, especially when those other people are your girlfriend's brother," i exclaimed, my voice sharp and laced with frustration.

"well, it's not like we were happy before!" she hollered in return, causing me to momentarily fall silent and slowly turn to face her.

sam's statement made my blood boil, because that wasn't the point. who cares if we were entering a rough patch? who cares if we were in a fight? that doesn't suddenly justify the act of cheating. right?

especially with my own twin brother...

"no," i shook my head in a manor of utter disbelief and scoffed, "no, you don't get to do that, you don't get to say that to me."

"why? because it's the truth?"

"because it doesn't matter! it doesn't change the fact that you cheated on me with my brother!" i shouted, as the emotional pain tugged a tear from my eye.

for a brief second, she stood there, arms crossed and shoulders tense. she looked at me like she was sorry, but it didn't feel like she was. it felt like she was lazily discarding our entire relationship like an old book. it hurt. despite how angry i was in the moment, i knew i still loved her. and that made me even angrier.

"i'm sorry, alex, i..." she trailed off, seeming unable to find proper words within the confines of her faint voice.

i let out a short, heartless chuckle, shaking my head after swiping the streaks of tear frantically from my face.

"you know, aisha was right about you. all you ever do is hurt people," i bit my tongue, knowing that my words weren't just gonna merely hurt her, "have a good summer."

i abruptly left sam at the entrance of the building, hoping she was hurting just as much as i was. the tears had begun pouring down my face now, as i'd become incapable of stopping it. i wish i could've stayed for the rest of the tournament. i wish i could've told robby, 'congratulations,' and patted him on the back. tell him i was proud. but i couldn't. i didn't even want to. i was still so blindsided by how angry i was, it just didn't matter.

an ill-struck idea came to mind when i realized i'd been walking in the dark for a little over half an hour. i'd ended up in the thick of reseda, one of the more rickety, towny parts of san fernando valley. and there was only one person i knew i'd find that resided here for sure.

i came to the foot of the door reluctantly and hesitated to knock.

right then and there, i knew things were gonna be different. as soon as i were to knock on that off-white, signature apartment door, i'd be signing off any chance of ever being welcome in the larusso home again. it was only days ago that they were beginning to feel like family to me. oh, how fast things change.

i took a step back from the entrance, as if to flinch at the sound of my own knock.

and just when i felt inclined to bolt and curse myself out for even trying, my dad opened the door.

"lexie?"

i said nothing. i only pulled him into a tight embrace and cried.