If I lose myself

Chapter. 14 ''Fuck.'' ✔️

A/N: Trigger Warning ⚠️

Lauren was already in bed when Camila returned from walking Jasper, so after checking on her, Camila got changed into her pajamas, grabbed a book, and retired to the living room to read. Any chance of having a conversation with her fiancée now lost to her heavy, and probably well-needed sleep.

In the weeks that followed the funeral, Camila found it progressively more difficult to navigate Lauren's consistently changing attitude towards her. One minute Lauren was actively seeking her out for comfort, desperate for affection and some kind words of reassurance. The next, she was pushing her away, frustrated by her constant concern and attempts to be caring.

For a while, Camila managed to endure the contrasting changes in Lauren's unpredictable behaviour with unwavering patience and understanding. At least, she had while Lauren's Jekyll and Hyde personas, which had steadily manifested after the death of her mom, continued to clash with one another. However, when the cruel, remorseless Hyde within Lauren eventually conquered the more amiable Jekyll, Camila found her fiancées relentless mistreatment of her harder and harder to suffer.

The truth was, that in all the time that had passed since Clara's death, the friction between Camila and Lauren hadn't improved at all. In fact, it had worsened to the point that Lauren could hardly stand to be in the same room as Camila for longer than a few minutes. She'd find any excuse that she could in order to leave the apartment or stay out late, and she'd made a habit of avoiding any conversation with Camila that wasn't absolutely necessary. She'd even taken to sleeping in the spare room, unable to bear any physical intimacy with Camila at all.

The two of them had been living in a perpetual state of discomfort for almost three weeks now, and Camila was desperately trying her best to rectify the situation, despite how unlikely a resolution seemed to be.

"Lauren?" Camila said, knocking timidly on the door to the spare bedroom with her knuckles. She paused to allow Lauren time to respond to her appeal, but tried again when her fiancée said nothing. "Babe?"

Camila waited again, the thought that Lauren might not actually be home suddenly occurring to her.

"Lauren are you in there?" she tried once more, reaching forward for the door handle to investigate the situation.

"What?!" Lauren complained irately, pulling open the door before Camila's hand had even made contact with it.

She looked furious, annoyance radiating off of her.

"I'm sorry," Camila apologised quickly as she retracted her hand. "I just wanted to make sure that you were ok. I didn't hear you come home last night and I was worried."

"Well, maybe you would have heard me come home if you hadn't have felt the need to take your sleeping pills yet again," Lauren returned pointedly, still infuriated.

Camila's eyes widened at the venom in Lauren's words, and her stomach dropped at the suggestion her fiancée seemed to be making. After all, it wasn't like she was an addict. At least, not in the way that Lauren appeared to think that she was. Camila could easily stop using her medication if she really wanted to. She'd lived with insomnia for a long time in the past, and although it would be difficult to return to her old routine, she could do it again. In fact, the only reason that she'd started taking her sleeping pills was out of consideration for Lauren. Camila had been trying to do what she thought was best for the both of them. She hadn't once considered the possibility that Lauren might hold that decision against her.

"You're right." Camila conceded begrudgingly, not wanting to fight so early in the day.

She wanted to defend her actions to Lauren, but chose to hold her tongue instead, fearful that she'd inflame the situation further if she tried to explain herself.