Unnoticed.

one.

I don't really know how to start this, I don't really know where to start and I honestly don't really know how to put this all in words. I don't know how to write this so you fully understand.. I'm not the best in writing things down, or describing how I feel. I never was, and I never ever will be. But I will do it anyway, because that's what I want. It's the only way I can deal with it, the only way I can make things clear for myself, and the only way I can share my story.. So well, let me start here.. 

Late in the summer of 2012, I realized I wasn't like the other people my age. I wasn't the average 13-year old girl. I was  different. By different I don't mean I looked different, or had a different sense of humor or whatever all these teenagers are all writing about on tumblr and such nowadays, not at all.  I mean yeah, I sort of was like that too, but what I meant to say is that I wasn't going out and making friends. I was rather alone, in my room, pretending to be someone I wasn't on the internet. Sort of like cat fishing people, but in a different way, because I did it with other people who were pretending to be somebody they were not and so on.. guess you know what I mean. It's called roleplaying.  This wasn't a big deal in my life at first, but it got more and more important each and every day, which I will surely describe to you further in this story but first we have to get back to the point..
I never really had been popular or whatsoever, in fact, I had been bullied since I was 6 years old. When I went to middle school, people finally accepted me. I could get along with everybody in my class and they were all really nice to me. But, we work here with different 'levels' based on how "smart" you are. ( I don't really feel like it should be described like that, but it's the only way to sort of explain to you how it is to study here.) I had to go to another level because my schoolwork was way too easy for me. You know,  it's basically getting amazing grades without ever doing anything. This might not seem like a bad thing or awhatsoever, in fact, it wasn't that bad .. I liked it somewhat, I mean who wouldn't like it to not ever do any homework but get straight A's anyway? Exactly.. But the point is that you go to school to learn shit.. and when you go to school and you know everything and everything is too easy for you,  it just  really sucks.
Well, so all this shit started in May 2012, if I don't mess up. I changed schools somewhere in the middle of the year. The people on my new school didn't accept me. Not at all. Maybe that was all my own fault anyway.. but okay , the bullying started again, but worse than ever. People even told me to kill myself. My insecurities went from bad to worse and I honestly coudn't take it anymore. I could litterally feel myself slipping away further and further into the world of selfdestruction and selfhate. I started believing all these people which caused that I started starving and cutting  myself.. and my addiction to that online game named RPG only got worse each and everyday, because it was the only place people accepted me for who I was. Somehow, I managed to get an amazing friend in that time at school. Lunaze was my best friend all of this  time. She was amazing, I loved her I loved her I loved her, and god,  I still really fucking  love her.. but she moved, and I have only seen her once since she left which was like 2 years ago.. so yeah, that sucks tbh. School sucked, I got bullied, I failed most classes because school was suddenly so much harder now, could it get worse?

yes, actually. Things at home really sucked at that time as well. My mom and stepfather broke up around that time, but they had to keep living in the same house together, including my little brothers and me. It was horrible. And since I cut the contact with my father,  I didn't really have another place to go. Everything was too much for me and I didn't see the point in living anymore. I had hated life since I was like 8, which might not sound realistic but it will, after I told you everything..

My father, my stepfather, the bullying... it all made me feel worse and worse every day and I couldn't take it anymore. I dreamt of dying. I wrote about dying. I thought about it more and more.. you really can not understand how hard it is to be so sad that the word sad can't describe it anymore.. years passed and I felt as sad as I did before, spent most of the time somewhere in my room, bleeding just to know I'm alive or somewhere in the bathroom crying and puking all of my food out..

And all this time, when I looked around me, I saw happy people, laughing, hanging out with their friends, truly living life, and enjoying every single second of it. I wanted nothing else than to be like them. I did all I could, but nothing helped.. I didn't change, if anything I got worse. At that point, I couldn't find any reason for me to keep on living. I mean, why are we fighting to live, if we are just living to die? I didn't understand myself, and I couldn't process my own thoughts. I needed help and I knew it. If not, there wasn't much time for me left on this planet.. 

I fought for so long and I still am to this day, but things are way better than they used to be. I found myself again. I learned how to live with my past. I found my people and I accept myself so much more now. I never thought I could love myself, nor that anybody else could ever be able to love me.. But my view on myself and the world has changed so much that I finally kind of understand why I am here. I found a reason to be here, I found a way to be happy and I have found a life worth living for someone else. Life is so much better now , and I adore all the oxygen in my lungs right now, even though I still am sad quite often, I have made a huge progress and I really do believe that life is worth so much more than I could've ever imagined..  My name is Katherine Bradford and this is my story