DYNAMITE: A Jikook Story of 2020 ✔

Chapter Three: Gay-dar

Trigger Warnings for this Chapter:

Being in the Closet 

Adult Language

Jimin:

They had all been called into Bang PD's office, he had texted them to come in early, before the V-Live.

"Listen, you guys have the V-Live today for Jungkook's birthday today?" Bang PD said.

Namjoon settled into the chair across from the desk in his office while the 4 youngest boys squeezed on the couch, Suga perched on the arm of the couch and Jin pulled another chair over toward the desk.

"Boys," Bang rubbed his face with both hands, "this Billboard win means the entire world will be watching this V-Live like never before." Jimin's heart started to pound with nervousness.]

Bang cleared his throat awkwardly. "Listen guys, the American audiences have something called "gay-dar", have any of you ever heard that term?" All 7 men shook their heads with innocent, open eyes. Bang's face seemed regretful as he continued.

"Since gay people are allowed to be out of the closet there, the American and European audiences are much more attuned, able to see who is gay and who isn't, just by looking at people's mannerisms or fashion choices. Like radar, gay-dar, you know? You have to be more guarded than you have ever been."

He looked over at Jimin and Jungkook together on the couch. "Boys?" his eyes identified the men to which he spoke as he looked between Jimin and Jungkook. "Are we understood?"

Jimin felt ashamed and something else as he looked down, rising heat in his face...annoyance, and nodded; nodded agreement to stay hidden deep in the closet during this V-Live of his husband's birthday. He felt a tear threatening to come, and held it back.

PD Bang was supportive of he and Jungkook, incredibly supportive, honestly. But they were a group that promoted self love and self acceptance, and remaining closeted to benefit their careers and wallets felt increasingly disingenuous. Jimin and Jungkook were both bad liars and bad at hiding things and it was a constant source of stress to hide their relationship. 

Live streams were the worst. With normal video productions they could edit out the occasionally slipped "baby", or kiss on the head or squeeze of the hand or too-long stare... with a V-live you had millions watching and recording live.

Jimin found himself laughing, remembering how Jungkook slapped his ass all the time, even on camera. Often they would meet eyes afterward and Jimin could tell Jungkook had done it totally impulsively, almost unconsciously... it was a stressful thing to hide when they were both naturally very honest, open, and affectionate people.  He swallowed nervously.

They had lunch together before the V-Live and Jimin was making everyone howl with laughter.

"Guys, I TRIED to wake up Jungkookie first at like 3:30 and it literally took an hour before he finally realized we got number one. AN HOUR! He refused to wake up the first time, I was crying so hard I had to call Taehyung to be like: "Is this real?" And then I went to wake Kookie up again and he still wouldn't wake up, I had to put the phone with the picture of the chart in his face. And FINALLY he starts blinking like What?" Everyone was laughing so much at Jimin's impression of JK.

"Yeah and then literally an hour later after I first tried to tell him he started crying and realizing.... But THEN! We went back to sleep for a few hours and when he woke up, he thought it had all been a dream!" This last sentence turned a snickering Suga into a howling one, and everyone was laughing hysterically.

Before they went onto the V-Live, Jimin brought out the cake he had bought and decorated for Jungkook. He put his arm around him, showing him the cake. "I love it, baby," said Jungkook softly.

"Ahm," they turned to see Namjoon standing there, looking awkward. "So you guys heard what PD-nim said, right?" He looked at them nervously. "Just like... don't touch each other or stare at each other too much or like, talk about each other too much...." Jimin felt increasingly like he had been slapped. He met Jungkook's eyes. He looked near tears, too. They both swallowed.

"And for God sakes don't tell about finding out about the Billboards so that it's obvious you were together at 3am at Jungkook's while the rest of us were home at the dorm." Namjoon rubbed the back of his neck.

Jimin felt awful, suddenly. It was his husband's birthday and he would have to spend the entire broadcast ignoring him and lying to ARMY. Great.

Jungkook:

Jungkook's first instinct was rebellion. Fuck them, I don't give a shit about their gay-dar or what anyone thinks about it. He sighed to himself though, because this fight had already happened inside him a million times and he knew that he would play along like they said.

He caught Jimin's eye, he looked miserable and close to tears. Happy fucking birthday to me, he thought, as he pulled Jimin into a wordless hug.

Jungkook stood there a few minutes later, waiting morosely for the V-Live to start, head swimming and scowling with internalized anger about the state of homosexuality in Korea. Soekjin came up and pulled him into a bear hug. "Little brother, you are scowling on your birthday."

"Happy Birthday, please go deeper in the closet to celebrate our number one on the Billboard 100." He grunted into Jin's chest, hot tears springing to his eyes. Jin pulled back, hands on his shoulders to look him in the face. 

"Little Brother, not on your birthday, come on, pull it together," He pulled him back into a hug and rubbed his back. "I know it freaking sucks, okay, I hope someday it will be different."

We could make it different, thought Jungkook desperately. Him and Jimin had had conversations late at night, sometimes, what would happen if they just came out, risking everything for living an authentic life... but it wasn't just their lives. It was also the other members, Bang PD and everyone at Big Hit. It was one thing to risk their own careers but not also the careers of everyone they loved and cared about. And that was always the checkmate that ended the argument in Jungkook's brain with a resigned sigh. 

And so it went today, as he sighed into Soekjin's chest.