Our World Is Crazy

Our World Is Crazy (12)

“I woke up in hospital a day later. They said I was lucky to be alive, that my heart had stopped twice on the table before they managed to stabilise me and pump my stomach. They warned me not to take that many sleeping pills again. They expected me to smile when they said I was going to live, but when they told me I was healthy and alive I started to cry. Then they set me up with another therapist, but it wasn’t working so they sent me here, all so I could get better.”

My voice was dead and I was too far gone to cry- I was numb, wearing a bulletproof vest against any hint of emotion because I knew just one shot of feeling would be fatal. I sat slumped in my chair, body still and eyes closed as I finished ‘my account’ of what happened on that day. Noises of the other patients still seeped in through the door and the clock kept ticking, but it felt like everything had stopped.

“Are you still having suicidal thoughts?”

What kind of question is that? Every single person has suicidal thoughts, whether it’s that kid daydreaming in class about who would come to his funeral if he died, or the girl that’s lying in bed at 3am with a bottle of vodka and a fresh set of tears, it doesn’t matter. Everyone considers suicide at some point, not as an option but as an alternative to whatever is happening right then. We all have suicidal thoughts, but it’s only a few of us that act upon them.

“I still see it as an option, but I don’t think I would commit. I have too much to lose now.” I told her truthfully. Suicide has always been an open option for me and I have always found it attractive, but now I have Phil I would never want to leave this life while I still have him. My beautiful Phil. I felt the corners of my lips tug up slightly in spite of my numb state.

“You just need to remember Dan- suicide is never the solution to the problem.”

I rolled my eyes at her cheesy line and nodded my head sarcastically, but it seems she thinks I was being serious because she beamed at me.

“Thank you for sharing that with me Dan. Now, is there anything else you want to talk about or anything you’d like to ask?”

I thought over what she said and tried to remember if I wanted to ask her anything, but nothing came to mind. I was about to tell her no when I realised- there was one thing I wanted to ask. Something I’ve been thinking about for a while.

“Can I see Chris?”

My words had a visible affect- her mouth tightened, her eyebrows drew closer and her eyes filled with a momentary flash of shock before settling on grim sadness. She sighed and looked down at her notebook, fiddling with her pen.

“Look, Dan, I understand you were good friends but you need to understand it will be a little difficult for you to visit him.”

“I don’t care, I just want to talk to him.”

“He’s not really in a talking state at the moment…”

“I don’t care! I want to see my friend! I can help him get better!”

“Fine, you may see him. Just, try not to mention Mr Ligouri.”

My throat tightened at the mention of PJ and I blinked before nodding assuredly. I would do anything to see how Chris’ doing now and to talk to him. I miss him- no, I miss them, both Chris and PJ.

She stood and motioned for me to stand as well, before making her way over to the door.

“He’s in Wing A, in a solitary confinement room.” She said over her shoulder as we walked down through the corridors, me trailing behind her. Hearing all her warnings about Chris I was starting to get worried about what I was facing, but then I reminded myself- this was Chris, not some crazy murderer.