I watch her as a couple hours later, she opens up her computer and brings up Facebook. Her feed is crowded with messages from my board. All of pity and sorrow, yet most of the people posting them haven't spoken to me in months maybe even years. It might have bothered me a bit, but it doesn't. Hazel's face starts to turn a shade of red. She looks to be both on the brink of tears and about to explode with anger. Her fingers whip furiously over the keys typing a smart remark to this guy I can't even seem to remember.
I watched as she sort of waddled out to the living room oxygen tank in tow. Her parents were watching a movie I had never seen. I sit on the floor facing them, but it hurts too much for them not to notice me, so I move behind them while they try and push Hazel to tell them what she needs. I can feel her answer and it hurts my heart. I can not give her the one thing she wants right now, and that thing is me.
Since I can not give this to her, I do the best I can. I sidle beside her and wrap my fingers around hers. Even though the pained expression on her face persists, I hold on to her hand as if we were actually touching.
That night, I just lay next to her sending her all the love I have in me because I don't seem to have any loss of energy. I don't need sleep. I just need her.
I follow them into their car and ride with them all the way to the Literal Heart of Jesus. I figure Hazel is going to support group, but am suddenly confused when her parents follow her into the church. Then I realize what is happening.
The people milling into the church are dressed in the appropriate somber black attire in accordance to the funeral. My funeral. But Hazel is different. It was her differences that made me love her, and it is now that I feel my chest might just explode. She wears her blue dress from Amsterdam. It's bright and cheerful, and I love her for wearing it to my funeral. She knew it is what I wanted without my knowing it was.
I don't think I could handle walking in on my funeral, so instead I sit by the door waiting for Hazel to return.
