War ⇔ Cashton ✓

He's Gone

ASHTON

I've never been so happy in my entire life.

Calum is warm in my arms, his tiny body shaking against mine as his legs wrap around my waist. His face is buried in my neck, and I can feel teardrops wetting my skin as he sobs into the stitching of my uniform. I whisper out his name into his ear, squeezing him as close to me as possible, while each and every cell in my body ignites into flames, spreading warmth through my bloodstream like a heavy dose of morphine. I never thought this would happen. I never thought I would be able to hold him in my arms again, unscathed and smiling with my eyes sealed shut, the love of my life jumping into my arms like I'm his entire world, like the moonlit sky craves the heat of the sun.

Calum pulls back slightly, his eyes glossed over and teardrops sparkling on his cheeks. He looks up at me, sniffing a little, and releases a tiny sigh from his lips. So beautiful, so perfect in every way. The curve of his lips, the slope of his nose, the flaming glimmer in his eyes. Every counterfeit smile that has forced its way onto my face in the past year is fake, obligatory, done for the formality of the occasion compared to now. This is real. This is true.

"Ashton, I've--" Calum stops, his voice breaking. His face crumples a bit, and I want to kiss every crease in his skin. "I've missed you so much."

I pull him a little closer, leaning my forehead against his. His soft hair tickles my eyes.

"I've missed you, love." I say softly, smiling at his breathy laughs. "So, so much."

My eyes trail down to his pink lips, full and soft and carved by the hands of a god. I hesitantly tilt my head, and I slowly press my lips against his. Calum quietly kisses back, delicate and gentle like a drowsy puppy, his lips moving against mine in a way that makes me want to break down and start sobbing, because I've missed this so much. I've imagined this moment a thousand times in my head and pictured his smaller body next to mine in a hundred different forms, but now it's real. It's true, it's happening, and I couldn't be happier if I tried.

I never used to think that I would rely on someone so dependently, that my lungs couldn't swell with oxygen without that person by my side, but that is what I have become. I don't know how I have survived this past year, maybe even more, without this boy in my arms. He's like holding the moon in my hands, smooth and round with no rough edges, still and silent under my fingertips. He's the bright angel in an overcast world, black and white obscurities shifting under his eyes into dilate shadows. It's wonderful, incredible, so lovely, that I can't fathom how I even breathed without it.

His lips against mine, sweet and tasting like sugar and coffee, flash me back to our very first one, our very first kiss. I had met him on the playground at school, long after school had ended, but he refused to go home, resigning to sitting on the edge of the schoolyard and staring at the field of grass in front of him. I remembered him from school. He didn't talk. Neither did I. I remember sitting next to him, tentatively. I was hesitant. He looked gentle. Sweet. But he was always alone, and he didn't seem intent on breaking that pattern. I wasn't sure that I wanted to.

That's sort of how it went for the first couple of weeks. He would sit on the edge of the playground, despite our being sixteen years old, and I would sit next to him, a few feet away. Every day I would sit a little bit closer, and every day I would look at him a little bit longer, until he was forced into taking notice of my presence. We had exchanged quiet greetings, shy and not used to talking to anyone else but ourselves, but we managed. We were two flower seeds shoved deep into the soil, suffocated and writhing to feel the sun, but we were trapped. The more we talked and the more we felt, the more we grew. We grew until we burst from the surface of the soil and felt the sun on our skin, twisting together to form something so beautiful and so strong that it couldn't be crushed, couldn't be knocked down. We're strong together.