The trouble with drugs is that no matter how much pain and misery they put you through, they become a part of you. And you will always want to go crawling back.
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b e h i n d c l o s e d d o o r s
At exactly six-thirty, my alarm goes off, the high pitched beeping bouncing off the walls. I lift my arm to shut it but feel a sharp pain on my side, followed by a massive headache and pain on my wrist.
I wince, curling into a ball again. Memories of last night bring tears to my eyes again. I should just stay home because I can't show up looking this horrible. If I do, Aaron will be suspicious again. But at the same time, I can't stay; what would I do if Mark is still pissed from last night? I'm too sore for another beating.
I wonder how my life would be if mom never lost the baby and if dad never left.
Maybe I would be happy and mom wouldn't be doing drugs. I wouldn't have to worry about people seeing bruises on my skin and I wouldn't be scared every single second of my life. Maybe I wouldn't think about ending all my suffering, because I wouldn't be suffering in the first place.
Snapping out of my thoughts, I push my limp body off my bed and into the bathroom. I grimace at the blood on the floor and force myself to look at my wrists. The marks are painful, swollen and red. Dried, crusted blood covered the surface of my skin.
I take a deep breath and look at my face in my mirror. I'm not nearly as bad as I was last night. My left eye has a purple ring around it, a small cut on my lower lip, accompanied with pale and hollow cheeks. I lift my shirt to see black splotches covering my ribs. I hope they were just bruised and nothing more; I want nothing to do with hospitals.
Six thirty-four, the clock read. I have an hour to clean up and get to school. My stomach growls and I feel lightheaded when I stand up straight a little too fast.
I peel the stained T-shirt and shorts off my body, stepping into the shower. Steam fills the room while the hot water healed me. My mind drifted into a land of peace and equilibrium while I thought of yesterday with Aaron.
It would be stupid for me to say that I haven't developed a small attachment to the rich troublemaker.
That sounds like an awful chick-flick already.
The kisses we shared were the main reason. We moved so fast- too fast. I know without a doubt, his side was completely filled with lust, but I loved the way he brought me to life, how he made me feel safe and wanted.
I haven't felt anything like that in my life. I am happy with Meghan and Jade when we hang out, but Aaron gave me a new feeling. I felt tingles and my heartbeat sped up and everything. The way he looked at me with hunger in his eyes- it made me feel sexy and beautiful.
I let out a bitter laugh. Pathetic right? How could I get all of that from a guy I've only properly known for a day? I can't be attached to him. Not even a little. He'll only bring me trouble. I've seen too many girls cry over him, I've seen so many broken hearts, knowing that he was the cause. I will not be those girls. The ones he uses for one thing and one thing only. Sex. I cannot fall for his games. I won't be able to handle the pressure if he crushes me.
