Before they broke

𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝟑: 𝖕𝖆𝖎𝖓𝖋𝖚𝖑 𝖍𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖞

She was angry. No, she was beyond angry at that point. How dare he? How dare he just assume who she was without knowing the slightest bit about her? He only saw her walking by in the school corridors. They had never spoken to each other before this evening. So how could he think he knew her?

"You have no right to say such a thing to me." Her tears started blurring her vision, but she could see him approaching her. He cornered her. 

"Why not? We are to speak the truth, even when it hurts. You just refuse to do it. So if you won't admit it to yourself, I will do it for you. I'm doing what you don't have the guts to do, Maeve! So stop acting so hypocritical. It's weak. "

His voice was louder, angrier. A direct tone for a direct message. It was not something she liked to hear. He hurt her in a way she wasn't aware it could hurt her. It was true what they said, words are more direct than the most direct bullet, sharper than the sharpest sword, and more painful than the deadliest poison.

With tears still on her cheeks and in her eyes, she turned her back to him. She had to calm down. She lost control. She could not allow herself to lose that. She couldn't allow him to take control over her. It was the first lesson her mother had taught her. Never lose control. If you do, someone else will take over. Then everything is lost. Then you are lost.

"I am not who you think I am. Guts is not the problem for me." She spoke with the composure she mustered.

She focused on the closet across the room. She slowly slid her eyes over the books, reading the titles, looking at the spines, anything she could think of.  She had to focus. She had to...

"Than what is your problem?"

But she couldn't do it.

"It's me, okay?!", she yelled as she turned to him and threw her arms in the air. "I am the freaking problem! I should be satisfied! My parents love me. They give me every chance I need. They got divorced because they wished each other all the happiness in the world and didn't want to ruin me and my sister. My father remarried. I got a stepmother. A stepbrother. They love me like family! My sister does everything she can to keep me from being in her shadow. I don't have to pretend that I am. I don't have to hide anything from the world. I should be happy with what I have, but I am not. And I hate myself for that! "

She crumbled. Little by little she crumbled until there was nothing left of her. It was done. The unspoken words were spoken. The truth was revealed. 

He put his hands on her shoulders, forced her to look at him. "What's so bad about your life? You already have everything, what more can you want? "

Sobbing, she tried to free herself from his grip. But he held her. He had to know. He needed to know what broke her so much. Wanted to know how he could have been wrong.

"Say it, Maeve. What is it that you want? " His voice was sharp like a knife. There was no escape. She couldn't help but give in to it. It took too much energy for her to deny. She kept bottling up her feelings. She shouldn't be doing that, but she did. 

So doing was something she had never done before. She relinquished control. It didn't scare her that he would hear it. It had to be said, and it had to come out of her mouth. She needed the peace of mind before she got lost in a maze of feelings she was creating. It may have been her only chance to do this.

"I don't want a perfect life! So many times have I hoped my family would be broken. I want my stepmother to hate me. I want my sister to leave me in her shadow. I want to be caught up in a scandal and everything screwed up. It would give me an excuse to be broke! Only then do I have a reason to collapse. My life can be anything. Everything except what I have now! "

She looked at him still sobbing. That moment he was the one with the spoken words.

He hadn't seen this coming. He thought he understood her. He had studied her until he went nuts for himself, and even after that, he kept going. Convinced that he knew her through and through, he had spoken to her. Nothing seemed to be true.

What do you say to someone who wants to see her own life ruined? What do you say to someone who can't bear to be happy? It was absurd. She had everything, and it was too much for her. 

Both of them stayed silent for a little while until it slowly began to sink in to her too. Only then did she realize what she had just said. The words she swore she would never speak out loud were spoken only minutes ago.  

Suddenly she became very aware of her surroundings. Of the rain that could be heard outside, that had driven her into this room. About the fact that she was standing here with him that moment. From the fact that she was still wearing his coat. The fact that she had stepped out of her own comfort zone.

She had to get out of here, she knew. She couldn't stay here, not with him. He was going to ask questions that she wouldn't want to answer, but that she knew she was going to anyway.

She quickly took off his coat and changed it with her own, still soaked coat. Jonathan did not respond. He just stared at her and let the words sink in. She had no intention of waiting for him to understand. She grabbed her bag from the floor and hurried to the door of the room.

"Meave, stop", the confused boy sighed. She stopped in anticipation of what he wanted to say.

But he couldn't think of anything that could be said at that moment. Something had to come. He had to say anything. Otherwise, he would lose her then and there. Then everything would have been for nothing.

Still the right words did not come to his mind. 

Out of everything he could say to her, all the comforting words he could have spoken, he chose to ignore the fact that she had just let herself break down in front of him.

"It's pouring outside," he said, looking through the window. It was true, the rain was still there. Although there had been no lightning for a long time. Thunder also stopped. As if nature had kept quiet to give them a chance to shout undisturbedly. She rose her eyebrows at him, waiting for something else to come. But he stayed silent.

Disappointment. A stab in her heart. It felt like he couldn't scold him. And so it couldn't hurt her either. It shouldn't hurt her. She shouldn't allow that. And if she couldn't convince her heart, she could certainly make an effort to get herself out of her current situation. 

"I'd rather walk home through the pouring rain than spend another minute in this room.", she whispered, but loud enough for him to hear. That were the last words she spoke before walking out of the door and closing it behind her

He heard her footsteps running down the stairs. He wanted to go after her, but his feet wouldn't cooperate. He stood petrified, staring at where she had just stood.

He screwed up. He had screwed up big time, and he knew it. How could he have been so wrong about her, he kept asking himself? He was convinced he knew her. But at that point, he began to question everything he thought he knew.

Trapped in his own thoughts, he walked to the window and looked outside. He saw her figure running down the dark street. He watched her run into an alley, disappearing from his eyeshot. For real this time. 

Slowly he lowered himself onto the couch and stared at the ceiling. Numerous questions entered his mind. 

"I did what I had to do", he said to himself. He had told her what she needed to hear, although he didn't intend to do so. Now it was up to her to rebuild herself. Even if she would never speak to him again, it was worth it to him.

His eyes fell on the book he had placed on the table next to the sofa. The book he gave her. With a sigh, he got to his feet, picked up the book, and began to leaf. His gaze went over the various notes in the margin.

She had written down her thoughts on everything she read.

Jonathan turned to chapter one and began to read. He read the notes on every page.

This was his chance to understand her. This was his personal peek into her head.