JO WILSON Suicide is Painless

CHAPTER 3: Trying to Escape

Trigger Warning : selfharm, suicidal thoughts, rape, substance abuse

The phone rang. Suddenly Jo started to panic, what if this was a mistake? She was just about to end the call, when the call was answered: "Hey Jo, what's up?" she heard Meredith say through the phone. "Hey Mer, it's me. I wanted to ask you something but I already remembered the answer so sorry for bothering you!" "Are you sure you're oka.." Jo couldn't hear the end of Meredith sentence because she already hung up the phone. It was now 8 pm, Alex wouldn't be home until the morning. She felt faint, she hadn't eaten all day. She decided to order some pizza. She ate a couple of slices but couldn't get herself to eat more. She wasn't hungry. She put on her favorite tv show to drown out all her thoughts and fell asleep before the end of the first episode.

*The next morning*

Alex came home. It had been a long day and night but at least he had the rest of the day off. When he entered the loft, he saw that Jo was asleep on the couch with the TV still on. He was worried about her but didn't know what to do. Jo wouldn't open up to him until she felt ready, he knew that. He quietly closed the door and put his stuff on the ground. Whenever he felt down, he would try and fight the feeling instead of trying to face it and go through the pain. Alex knew Jo did the same thing. He sat down in a chair and placed his head in his hands. He was absolutely exhausted. Alex decided to lie down and as soon as he touched the bed, he fell asleep.

Jo woke up. She heard someone snoring from the other side of the room. Alex was home. She wasn't ready to face him. How could she explain what was going on when she doesn't even know it herself? She grabbed a suitcase and threw some clothes and toiletries in there. Then she tiptoed to the door and closed it behind her. Jo didn't know what to do next, she hadn't thought it through. She just knew that she needed to be as far away from everyone and everything as possible. While walking down the stairs, a thought popped in her head. What if Alex thought this was his fault and she was leaving her. She quickly scribbled a message on a piece of paper that she found in her pocket and left it on the doormat. The note read: Hey Alex it's me, I'm going away for a while just to figure things out. No need to be worried. Love you, Jo. Jo grabbed her bags and left. It was a pretty chilly day so most people didn't stay outside for long. Jo decided that she would get a hotel for the night, until she figured out what she was going to do next.

While she entered her hotel room, Jo's phone rang. She grabbed it out of her pocket to see who was calling her. It was Alex, it was now 4 pm and he had woken up. She declined the call and threw her phone on the bed. No time to feel guilty. She sat down in a chair and let her eyes rest for a moment. Even though Jo had just woken up, it felt like she hadn't slept in forever. She felt the bad thoughts and feelings coming up again. It was as if they entered her body one by one and soon they would be all that was left. All the good feelings had been replaced. Jo was really bad at dealing with bad feelings. All her life, she had been taught to shove her feelings down instead of facing them. This had worked most of the time, but now there were just too many feelings. She couldn't just simply shove them down. That's why she turned to other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Jo rolled up her sleeves and stared at the bandaids. Carefully, she pulled them off and looked at the damage. It wasn't too bad, the cuts were pretty superficial and were healing nicely. She replaced the bandaids, but the urge to hurt herself crept up again. Jo tried to distract herself, but she was pretty bad at controlling her impulses so soon she gave in, opened her toiletry bag and grabbed her razors. She made a few cuts, but it wasn't enough. She pressed harder and made another couple. She looked at her arm and gasped. This was way deeper than she intended. She had been a doctor long enough to know that she needed stitches. But how could she possibly go to Grey-Sloan without being seen by her friends? Everyone could see that she had made these cuts herself. She couldn't go to another hospital because of her insurance, so she had no other choice. Jo grabbed a t-shirt, tied it around her arm and left to go to the hospital....

Heyy thank you so much for waiting so long!! I will post more regularly now because i finished school :)