Leave Us In Ruins: Merder Au

I Can't Do This Anymore

"I can't do this anymore."

"Well neither can I."

That was the last thing Meredith said to the man whom she thought was the love of her life at one point. She never would've imagined one night in a bar and a few shots of tequila would lead to this. Just as she was starting to realize she wanted to be with him exclusively, he does the one thing that proves he wasn't serious about what he said to her that day in front of the elevator.

"I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I wanna settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old, in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime."

"Yeah right," she thought to herself. Derek didn't love her; he loved the idea of her that he concocted in his arrogant testosterone-filled brain, but not her. If he had, he wouldn't have kissed another woman hours after spending the morning making love to her. In the same building, at that.

***

"You don't want to build a life with me. You want someone. You want someone who wants the same things that you want."

Meredith's words stung him the more times he replayed their last conversation in his head. Derek knew she wasn't ready for this. He had a feeling she would eventually find a reason to leave him again, she always did. After everything they'd been through, she'll still always look for a reason to run.

To her, what happened with Rose was nothing more than an excuse to run. She doesn't want to be with him; she doesn't love him, she loves having him around. She loves having someone to call whenever she's lonely or whenever she wants someone next to her in bed. Everything she said to him that day, claiming that she was trying to let him in, that she wanted to let him in, it was all a lie. He knew he shouldn't have fallen for it, but he did; he always did.

***

The aroma of tequila coated her mouth as Meredith downed another shot. Her bed was indented with her body as she hadn't moved from the mattress since she'd gotten home. Alcohol seemed to be the only thing that could help her not think about the cause of all of her problems. Except it wasn't exactly working. All she could think about was the desperate look on his face when she confronted him. Why did he look like she was moments away from stabbing him in the chest? He was the one who lied to her, who made her believe they would work out. He knew how difficult it was for her to trust after everything that she'd been through; Her mother having hardly loved her and her father not caring enough to stick around. She was a fool to think someone like Derek could ever love her. Correction; he was a fool to think someone like Meredith could ever accept his love. Either way, it was his fault. She wasn't kissing nurses. She wasn't bombarding him with house plans after being exclusive for merely a day. Every bitter word that spewed from their mouths in that hallway was the result of his mistake.

***

The quiet Seattle rain beat a gentle tattoo on the metal roof of his trailer. The empty sheets felt cold, freezing. He glanced at the spot next to him, indented with her figure from all the nights that she slept on his side. He watched as the rain fell onto the skylight above him, each drop louder than the last. His heart ached at the thought of her. He loved her, more than anyone ever could, though she would never accept it. She would never accept him.

He knew that he was flawed. He knew that he had hurt her too. Choosing Addison, leaving her, he would never forgive himself for it. He'd spent the last year trying to make it up to her, trying to be what she wanted. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't continue making himself smaller to please her. Being with her was like walking on eggshells. Trying not to say anything that would tempt her to run. She always runs.

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