Falling for red

{46} Goodbye

I had already had a hectic morning and I had a feeling the day was only going to get worse. Me and Carter had a talk about what happened with the cigarette.

"Have you hurt yourself before?"

"No."

"Why did you do it?"

"Normally I would drown all my emotions in alcohol and I guess I couldn't handle it sober. It sounds stupid but I wanted to feel something other than the pain. It gave me something to focus us on other than Killian. It was like a mini break from reality. It gave me control." I shook my head when I realised how stupid I sounded.

"You can always control me if you want," he joked to lighten up the mood.

"Shall I tell you how much of a bad boy you've been?" I chuckled.

"You know just the right things to say babe," he groaned before going back to being serious. "Next time you ever feel like that or even just an urge to hurt yourself, you ring me. You go through this I wanna be there for you. You shouldn't suffer in silence."

"It's not killing me." I rolled my eyes at his theatrics but it was just a defence mechanism. I really didn't want to talk about this but I saw how upset he looked last night in the car. So if this will me him feel happier than so be it. 

"I know it's not but just because it's not killing you doesn't mean it's right. Try to think of something that calms you or the opposite of whatever emotion you feel in that time. Use it as a tether to bring you to reality."

"It was a one time thing. Biggest mistake I've ever made," I said interlocking our pinkies as an unspoken promise it would never happen again.

Then Al said I needed stitches in my hand so I had a fun time sitting through that. Who knew Al could do stitches?

We were currently on the way to my house to have a chat with Killian. Carter was completely against the idea of me speaking to him but once I explained that I needed to do this he loosened up slightly. This would bring me the closure I needed. I had gotten the need to belittle him, like he did to us, out of my skin. Now I only had questions. The main once being, why?

I had a feeling having a conversation that didn't end up in fists would be just the thing I need. It may even stop the negative thoughts about me not being good enough. I knew to a certain extent that it wasn't true but it was all I got told my whole childhood and being in the presence of my dad bought everything back up. Feelings n' all.

"Hello Killian," I spat out trying to disguise my nerves.

"Hi Evie."

"Don't call me that." I gritted my teeth and took a deep breath to clam myself down.

"Is this one of your boys toys? You always were a bit of a tart," he said once he saw Carter come in behind me.

"Fuck yourself," Carter said gruffly.

"I'll admit it was clever how you got me into these handcuffs. If only I had shot you earlier than none this would've happened. You were right I couldn't give a fuck about you but you look so much like your mother and you know how I feel about her." It was taking every bone in my body not to strangle him. He gave a perverted smirk when he saw my reaction. The reason I called his smirk 'perverted' was because he looked at me in a way no father should look at his daughter.

I felt a lump get stuck in my throat when I realised how he viewed me. I understood how much he despised me, trust me the feelings mutual. But I never thought he'd go as far as to look at me in a sexual manner, let alone make a comment about it. I don't know why I always had expectations for him. With the right ammunition he'd do about anything.