As long as you love me

Chapter 17

"And so your father reaches out every once and while" those ten words brung Ellen out of her Daze.

Patrick and Ellen haven't seen each other sense the night of the party but they were stuck in each other minds, it was affecting their conversations and say.. sleep. It wasn't more so hatred or anger anymore it was just confusion. Patrick wanted to see Eli, because seeing him now that he knew that was his son it would be different.

Ellen stared at Sarah, watching as she talked with her hands. Her long brown hair flowing down her shoulders and the same charming smile plastered across her face.. she looked great. Seeing Sarah again made Ellen miss Boston.. she missed home, she missed the time when her only worries were if
the ice cream truck had their strawberry shortcake.

"Is it still horrifying for you?" Ellen had to ask.. she remembered Sarah having to go see a therapist because of Ellen's screaming... she just wanted to know if she was the only one still having the chills of that nauseous day.

Sarah looked in Ellen's serious green eyes, "I still talk to dr. Wyatt, it's not as bad as it was right after it happened but I could still close my eyes and see like myself running into the house to find you."

Silence fell upon the pair as a storing breeze came swiping the napkins from the table, "is this the universe telling us to discuss something happy.."

Sarah laughed loudly, stepping on the brown napkin to keep it from blowing away, "I don't know.. should we take that signal and run with it?"

Ellen took a deep breath.. this was nice. It was a good idea.. I feel a little better.. "how is Sammy? She is so big now!"

A huge smile came across Sarah's beautiful features.. she could talk about her daughter for hours, "she is the highlight of my life! She just turned 6 so she's all excited because now she has two hands to count her age on."

*****

This is the first night Patrick was able to sleep without seeing Eli's face. The day before had been a little bit better, he'd talked to Dave about the timeline of the movie and he had been explained that production would start in less than two months. He convinced himself that he would wait then to actually have a civilized conversation with her sense he stormed out the last time she tried to talk to him.

Flashback:

Ellen watched as Patrick's face turned pale. The look of betrayal that took over his handsome features could make anyone sick.. and Ellen was definitely getting there.

The knot and her stomach seemed to be getting bigger by the second, "Patrick.. I- you have to understand that it wasn't an easy decision I mean you were married when we slept together.. you were married and I had no clue I wouldn't have slept with you if I'd known so imagine how nonplussed I was when that test said pregnant ."

The words that Ellen said didn't register to him at that moment. All he could hear was the word "yes" ringing in his ears. He was 40 years old with a 5 year old son.. I mean this had to be some kind of sick joke.

Without saying a word he walked out of the room, not looking back at her. His stomach felt like it was swaying left and right.. the urgency to pace became a habit as he came across the sight of Eli in Ryan's arms from the side of his eye.

End flashback

Patrick woke to the soft tinkering of someone in the bedroom. He hadn't remembered any of it at first. As his eyes flickered opened, his mind was fighting to grasp his reality. Memories flashed through his head, it all became very clear. Except for the hazy, hang over-like headache that pounded through his head.

A frown formed on his tired face as he remembered the last couple of weeks. He pushed the red comforter off of his arms, watching as Jill slammed the dresser drawers loudly. "Good morning thanks for the warm welcome." He groaned sarcastically, his voice sleep filled.

Jill looked over her shoulder pretending to be shocked he was in the bedroom, "oh good morning felt like I haven't seen you in years.."

Their whole marriage was complicated. He would try to be understanding of her career choice.. when In reality it was just makeup and gossip and adding to the celebrities huge egos. And well Jill she was very sneaky and manipulating.. she wasn't always doing makeup when she said she was Patrick just hadn't figured that out yet.

Ignoring her snippy response he climbed out of bed and trudged to the bathroom. The bags under his eyes became huge as he stared at himself in the Mirror.. he didn't look himself and he certainly didn't feel himself. The reality of the situation wasn't just "oh I cheated on Jillian and had a child" it was bigger than just him being upset..

The decision he made yesterday weighed heavily on his shoulders as he turned the shower water on, praying that he would go through with it.

*****

The twins stared at the soccer game that was plastered on the tv. Nail polish was layed out on the glass table, opened chip bags sat beside Darby's legs as he yelled, "fuck you" to the referee.

Sullivan turned the tv down as he got a call on his phone. Butterflies filled his stomach and his cheek reddened at the name that appeared. Darby watched his brother ignore the call.. he had told him a few months earlier that he had a crush on his friend Justin but didn't think mom and dad would approve.

"You should just tell them.. I mean I don't think their homophobic!" Darby wanted to sound encouraging but stuffing a potato chip in his mouth and wiping his fingers on his shirt didn't exactly scream that he meant it..

Sullivan stared straight ahead as he heard jill scream at Patrick. Maybe another day because obviously today was another one of their fights..

******

Ellen and Sarah had talked about Eli and they arranged play dates for the two.. jumping far over the Patrick situation she went with, "Ryan is a great dad."

The two made promises to get together more often and fight hard to not let their friendship slip away because of the trauma they endured that one Friday afternoon.
Ellen truly felt better about the situation- loosing her mother. The anger was still there because she could have still been here if it wasn't for the stupid pills.

The fresh air from outside filled the car, the radio blasted rainbow connection by sleeping at last.  But The song had a different meaning now..

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
Wished on the morning star?

Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?

Ellen parked her car in the driveway. She didn't move  just yet she stared at the huge house in-front of her... it was all her's, yet she felt so lonely like she was missing something or someone.

Without thinking she dug her phone out of her purse and scrolled to find his contact information, slightly praying that it was still his.. Ellen stared at his name and wondered what had sparked the feeling in her chest. But there were far too many answers to that question. It could have been the the fact that the realization hit that she didn't love Ryan anymore. It could have been the fact that the secret she's been hiding for years has been revealed to the one person she was hiding it from.. and she needed someone. It could have been the weight of the chaotic world.

Whatever it was, Ellen now found herself staring at his contact in her phone. And then she pressed the call button. With only one more deep breath he answered the phone.

"Hey"

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