inevitable [seventeen woozi]

page eight

dear diary,

when i saw her again, she was at the grocery store. still wearing her signature oversized clothes. she approached me once i was nearing the entrance. y/n told me that her doctor said a jihoon was looking for her and i told her i was.

"why were you looking for me?" she asked,

"y/n, i love you."

"you don't even know anything about me."

"i'm willing to listen about everything you have to tell me, i promise."

"you have to stop feeling that way towards me." she sternly said, "stop it now while you still can."

"why should i?"

"you're only going to hurt yourself loving me."

then i learned why she always seem to open up to everyone, why she can easily talk about life and death, and why she wears oversized clothing.

she was dying, and i have been passed on memories as stories to share to someone i know and will know in the future to keep her alive.

y/n loses weight everyday despite eating a lot. she hates how her ribs show when she raises her arms and her vertebrae becoming visible whenever she bends down. she refuses to be confined unless she's done with school because she's so close to graduating.

"i don't want to die without finishing school. it's going to seem like i used being sick as an excuse to not attend." she said, "you also can't love me because that means i have to love you back and it will be difficult to leave knowing that i'm leaving someone behind."

"i can't erase whatever i feel for you anymore." i said and held both of her hands, "can i please show you how much i love you?"

she sobbed, "we're only going to hurt ourselves, jihoon."

"so what? your whole life you have dealt with nothing but sadness. tell me, have you even had a boyfriend?"

"screw you." she laughed as tears flowed on her face before she shook her head.

"i will gladly let you feel how great it is to love and to be loved." i said, clinging on to her hands. "only if you let me."

and, she let me. she said yes with a nod and, ever since, i stayed by her side.

i took her to my place and introduced her to my friends. i drove her to and from school, helping her carry her load of canvas and paint. there are times where i'd become her model and she drew me. although she never did let me see her artworks.

i held her, i kissed her, and i showed her my love in all the many ways i can and as long as i could.

eventually, her body became weaker even though she still smiled and did the things she always does. me and my friends went to her graduation day, we ate in her favorite diner, and a week after–  she got admitted in the hospital.

she got paler and skinnier. y/n barely looked like herself but my love for her remained the same, if not, it grew even stronger. and, whenever i thought about her being gone, it made me cry.

y/n changed my perspective about so many things. she literally changed my life. but, i really wish i had met her sooner.

i wish i was there to hug her when she cried, i wish i was there when her family passed away one by one, and i wish we were able to make our own little family.

she's still here, but i already miss her.