If I Could Go Back In Time (BoyxBoy)

Four

January 10th, 2015

Today, Azriel came over to my house. My dad really liked him and invited him and his family to our church. They accepted, so hopefully we'll be seeing them this Sunday.

I have a secret, mom. I don't think I like girls. I've never had a crush on one and I've never found them pretty. Does that mean I like boys? I've been thinking a lot about Azriel lately and how pretty he is... but I try not to focus too much on it. My church has never talked about how being gay is a sin, but I know that many people believe it. What if Azriel finds out? What will he think about me? I bet he likes girls anyways. This is the first crush I've ever had actually- if it's even a crush at all. We barely know each other, we only became friends like ten days ago.

We played video games together today. Mario Kart, to be exact. That's my favourite one to play, even though I don't like playing it alone. Dad was THRILLED when he found out I made a friend. I was thinking of writing a song about Azriel. I finished the one I started for the new year as well as the one I was thinking of doing for Bambi. Bambi loved it, so I'm glad. They said I was really good at writing music and lyrics. It felt really good. Bambi can read music so well! She sang for me, Aanya, and Azriel. She's really incredible. I was thinking of something; what if I wrote a song for Bambi to sing as Aanya dances to it? That would be so cool!

I'm really excited about my new friends. I suddenly don't feel so alone. I got Azriel's phone number and he mentioned how we should plan a get-together with Aanya and Bambi. I don't know where we would go though. Maybe a park or little coffee shop.

Do you think I should tell Dad about my stupid little feelings for Azriel? What if Dad gets upset? I don't know how he feels about gay people. I don't think he'll be too upset, but then again, you never know. I wonder how you felt about gay people. I've been kind of worried ever since I started thinking a lot about Azriel. Maybe I'm just getting confused and what I feel for him is just the simple attraction best friends have for each other.

~~~

January 10th, 2015 (still supposed to be 2020.)

It feels like I'm falling in love with him all over again.

I forgot how innocent and young we were. We barely understood life yet. My grandma always said that when you're young, you're going to get your heart broken a million times. She wasn't wrong. Does it make my pain any less valid? I don't really know. This seems pretty painful to me.

I can't express how angry I am. Was I supposed to be grateful for this? Was I supposed to appreciate a second chance? I'm still furious at Azriel for what he did to Bambi and I, but now, I'm never going to see that same Azriel again. I'm a different person living in the past now. This Azriel will know a completely different Lawson than the other Azriel knew.

Today, I was supposed to play video games with Azriel, but in this world, I didn't even invite him to my house at all. I was too afraid. Instead, Azriel invited me. I couldn't say no. I was too afraid. So I went over and we got to know each other. He got to know this Lawson, not the Lawson that I would have been.

I have a secret. It's so secret that I barely even wrote about it in this journal in fear that someone would find out, but honestly, at this point, there's no need to hide it.

I hurt myself. I hurt myself really bad. I did it again four days ago, I don't even remember doing it. It just happened. I scratched myself and put alcohol on it. The stinging sensation of the alcohol is relieving to me. I don't know why, it just is.

"Is everything okay with you at home?" Azriel asked me.

Of course, at this point in time, it was, but this was before everything went wrong. I asked him why he was curious.

"I saw you changing bandages on your arms in the bathroom at school today," he answered. "Plus, you looked really scared when I asked if I could come over."

I didn't know what to say. I just shrugged my shoulders and looked away. I told him that everything at home was fine.

"Do you hurt yourself," he asked, "or does someone hurt you?"

I shook my head, though I don't know why. It wasn't like it answered his question. I was finally able to spit it out. "I hurt myself."

His face turned to one of pity. The last face that I saw of his before I put a gun to my head was one of anger. I hadn't seen his empathy ever since I stopped showing him mine. "Are you bullied?" Azriel asked.

I told him that he wouldn't understand and that he should just leave it alone. He nodded and looked back to the screen of Mario Kart.

"Just know that you're my best friend," he said.

I missed that sentence, and as much as I hate to admit it, I missed Azriel. I loved him, and I know that soon, I'll love him again. No matter how much I tell Fate or God or Destiny or Universe to piss off, they all know what I really want.

I just want him.