How to Smile (On Hold, Will Be Rewritten)

"But It's More My Fault Than Anyone's"

“But It’s More My Fault Than Anyone’s.”

​As I tried to figure how I would word this out so it’d make sense, I tried to wrap my mind around what I was about to do. I had just met Uri, and here I was about to tell him something I hadn’t told Caleb or anyone else.

​“Okay… so, Andrew had always been like a best friend to me. I remember being really little, and even then we got along, and we stayed close until a little before he, ya know. There were times when one of his friends would come over asking if he wanted to hang out, and he would say not now because he was doing something with me. I told Andrew anything before I told anyone else, and vice versa. Others didn’t really understand our relationship, because most would fight ‘nd bicker with their siblings and wanted to be with their friends. Plus, we had nearly nothing in common.

Everyone liked Andrew. He was funny, charismatic, caring, and not that bad looking. He was talented and could do numerous things excellently and was smart. He was basically born with perfect social qualities. I, on the other hand, was irrelevant compared to him. Sometimes it frustrated me, but then I would go ‘he’s my brother, and that’s silly.’ I liked to be by myself, cuz I was bad with people, and I always had and still only have a small group of friends. And even in that group, I was the odd one out.

Most of them are like Caleb, all extroverted and adventurous and stuff. I wasn’t crazy good at too many things, and I would rather be under my covers reading or drawing or something else quiet. Andrew saw that, and he would try to include me in things with his friends sometimes,” I paused before continuing.

​I didn’t know what I was feeling. I had only felt this a few times. My throat felt like it was tightening and it was hard to breathe. I kept clenching and unclenching my fist trying to keep myself focused on something. The back of my eyes itched and burned. But I forced myself to keep talking.

​“Andrew liked making people happy. For the most part, he was loyal and trustworthy, too. Not in a pushover sort of way, though. He knew when to draw the line. And he was real good at keeping a good eye on where that line was. But then started 6th grade. I was in 4th at the time.” Looking up, I saw Uriah was still standing in the same spot listening intently, his expression blank.

​“My brother became friends with this guy named Dmitri, who everyone called Trey since he was a third. At first, I didn’t like him. He was loud, trouble, and thought he was all that and a bag of chips. The kid was awful, and me being me, I didn’t wanna be anywhere near him. Maybe I’m judgmental, since I hadn’t got to know him before I made my assumption, but it was practically instinct telling me to keep my distance.

​“I tried to tell Andrew what I thought, and for once he didn’t take what I said seriously. I didn’t understand it, because Andrew could usually read people himself and make a good decision then. Instead, he kinda brushed everything off and left me thinking he was ill or that Dmitri had done something to delude my brother’s sense.

​“There were times when they would hang at his house or ours. After a while I had gotten to know Dmitri myself, mostly against my will, and I began to think he wasn’t half bad. Most surprising, he actually tried to get to know me first.” I chuckled to myself. This felt eons ago, and everything came crashing down after.

​“I guess we became friends through Andrew? I don’t really know what to call it. It was nice actually. Well, for a while it was.

​“Sometime that year, Dmitri changed. It didn’t happen all at once, but was instead gradual. It took Andrew a while to notice it at first, but I saw it right off the bat. When you spend less time talking and more time observing, things you might’ve never noticed pop out at you.” Absentmindedly,