"I'm not looking for forgiveness..."
The table was empty.
Not completely- Sam sat at the head flanked by yourself and Bucky. Pepper and Morgan whispered quietly from the other end as Peter picked quietly at his plate of dry turkey and cold peas.
It was thanksgiving at the Stark home, and for once the ten person dining table felt horribly empty despite the six bodies that warmed the oak chairs. No one spoke other than Pepper who desperately tried to make this year normal, knowing damn well how miserable it would be. She would flash a sad smile every once and a while, and Sam would charismatically respond in hopes that it would garner a giggle from Morgan who (despite her young age) knew something had changed.
Peter did not speak, by halfway through the dinner he thanked Pepper quietly before exiting to one of the many guest rooms. You heard his breath rattle as he passed you and your own inhale got caught deep within your chest. Your hand raised shakily for the stem of the now warm wine before you. Bucky reached for it in an attempt to comfort you but was met with your flattened palm.
"(y/n)-" His voice was quiet but yearning for yours to reassure him that you were alright. Looking towards the worried eyes of not only him but now Sam and Pepper as well caused a nervous chuckle to escape your chest.
Pepper turned to Morgan and after whispering in her ear the little girl twisted from her chair and ran to her room to play. Returning her gaze to you the strawberry blonde relaxed her shoulders.
"I really thought this would help somehow. I wasn't prepared for how shitty it really would be." Her voice was pulling forth some sort of twisted and hurt humor. Everyone managed to smile, your own face betraying you as you relaxed into your chair with a breathy sigh. Leaning back you began to count the panels on the ceiling.
"This is the most quiet an Avengers thanksgiving has ever been." Sam chuckled, his hands coming up to drag across his tired eyes. He rested his forehead on his palm and drug his fork across his plate.
"I can't believe they're really gone."
You hadn't mean to say it. It had just slipped before you could garner it. The room stilled and you drug your gaze to Pepper who was now silently staring at the table before her. Bucky cleared his throat and placed his napkin on the table.
There had been a silent agreement to not talk about the past year, a plea to move on and try to survive the pain that you all drowned in.
"Im sorry everyone- I guess its just not set in yet." They looked to you, angry and upset. Of course their anger was not with you or your words, it was with the past and how robbed you had all been of the people you loved. The pain in their eyes twisted your gut and you pushed away from the table, quietly excusing yourself as Peter had done before.
No one objected, they simply leaned back in their seats and washed as you fled from the house and into the winding paths of the wooded property.
"I'm way past asking for permission"
The last time you had stepped foot on the Stark's property it had been an autumn much like this one. The leaves had painted the ground in varying shades of gold, and hickory chips perfumed the air. You gazed across the lawn as you walked gathering what all had changed in your mind.
Last Autumn so many more stood where you stood now, mourning the man who saved the world. A coffin not much different from the hickory in the air materialized in your mind. You clutched at your chest, desperately searching for grounding as you erased the image almost as quickly as it appeared.
