Everything & Nothing

don't let me drown - i

|zarina meyer|

i don't have anything to lose.

i trudged along my unspecified route, listening to the fresh layer of snow crunch under my converses. my heart lay heavy with misery as dark as coal, my mind was muddled with thoughts as crushing as an avalanche. still, through all the suffering i kept inside myself, i had one thought set in mind; that death would take away all of my intangibly tortuous pain.

i don't have anything to live for.

i came to a stop on the harborwalk of rowes wharf, standing right next to the chains that bound the edge of the pathway. beyond these chains lay my sweet salvation, the waters of the charles. to my right was the old northern ave bridge, lit up like the aurora borealis itself—the neon shades of pink, orange, purple, green, and yellow changed at a slow, esthetic pace. at my left was the skyline view of rowes wharf; the boston harbor hotel's grand arch glowing gold in all its architectural glory, the surrounding buildings glittering with the lively lights from their numerous windows looked like star-studded blocks of granite.

in my eyes, those beauties, however, were nothing compared to how beautiful the ripples across the river were—the water itself possessed an arcane aura, obsidian punctuated by prussian blue because of the night's darkness.

the waves could benumb all the pain and erase all the torments. they could wipe the desolate and frightening memories from my mind, clear out the struggles for an easier way out. i would never have to live in fear of my past catching up again; eating from dumpsters and soup kitchens would never be the only options; running and hiding from the cops, muggers, and rapists would be nevermore. i'd be free from everything—because, i'd be safe in death's arm.

my mind was made, my resolve solid.

the moment was perfect; past midnight meant no active coast guards, minimal pedestrians, and most of all, there was this tranquil silence, broken only by the whispers of the winter breeze and the gentle swells of the water. everything beckoned me to set myself free from the griefs of the material world. i heeded the lullaby-like calls. stepping past the chain links, i stood on the edge of the harborwalk and raised my face to the sky.

i don't want to live anymore.

with that last thought, i let my body take the fall.

the river engulfed me in its loving embrace, encircling me in its icy grip and pulling me into its depths. a small part of my mind made me want to struggle against the cold current's hold, but i suppressed it effectively and let myself be taken.

suddenly, i was glad i didn't know how to swim, that made it easier to let go of the will to live. the water proceeded to make itself one with me, going up my nose and into my lungs, replacing all the air with its presence. i didn't mind.

i was peaceful now.