Gospel Testimonies

Days of Seeking Fame and Gain

By Zheng Ming, Spain

"In his life, if man wishes to be cleansed and achieve changes in his disposition, if he wishes to live out a life of meaning and fulfill his duty as a creature, then he must accept God's chastisement and judgment, and must not allow God's discipline and God's smiting to depart from him, in order that he may free himself from the manipulation and influence of Satan, and live in the light of God. Know that God's chastisement and judgment is the light, and the light of man's , and that there is no better blessing, grace or protection for man" ("God's Chastisement and Judgment Is the Light of Man's Salvation" in Follow the Lamb and Sing New Songs). Singing this hymn of God's words is deeply moving for me. I used to live by poisons of Satan like "Distinguishing oneself and bringing honor to his ancestors," and "Man struggles upwards; water flows downwards." I constantly sought fame and status, both duped and damaged by Satan, fretting over gains and losses to make a name for myself. It was a painful way to live. It wasn't until I experienced the judgment, chastisement, and disciplining of God's words that I came to understand a bit about my corrupt nature and gained some clarity on the essence and consequences of seeking fame and status. I finally started to awaken and feel remorse. I no longer wanted to live that way, but just to pursue the truth and do my duty well to satisfy God.

I remember, it was back in September of 2016 that I joined the hymn team to fulfill my duty. Soon after that, our leader approached us to discuss choosing a team leader. I was thrilled as soon as I heard this and began to weigh the prospective candidates in my mind. Other brothers and sisters in my team were either too young or not skilled enough. There was just Brother Li—his fellowship on the truth was quite practical, and he understood some of the work. Plus, he had a calm demeanor. I felt that there was a good chance he'd be picked, but my fellowship wasn't bad either, and I was a particularly good learner and fairly quick at picking up new things. I also was good at seeing the big picture. So, I figured my chances at getting elected should be better than his. But everyone in the team was new to that duty and we hadn't been working together long, so we didn't know each other well enough. Whether they'd choose me was an unknown. So, I suggested to the leader that he tally up the duties each of us had fulfilled, and then designate someone to lead the team temporarily. Everyone agreed. I was secretly pleased; I felt I had a pretty good track record in duty, so I probably had this election in the bag. The next day, I went to the gathering full of confidence. But to my surprise, Brother Li was ultimately chosen. I was really disappointed at the time, but to save face, I pretended to be unperturbed and said, "Thanks be to God. From now on, let's all work together to fulfill our duties." Deep down, though, I couldn't accept it at all. I felt drained of energy on my walk home. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. "What did Brother Li have on me? I simply couldn't accept it. I felt I clearly had a lot of talent, so by not picking me, wasn't that just putting it all to waste?" I therefore felt I absolutely had to prove myself, and show the others what I was made of. Though I appeared calm on the surface after that, I was quietly pitting myself against Brother Li. I threw myself into studying to improve my skills so I could outdo him. I quietly celebrated when I saw he was a slow learner, thinking, "So the truth comes out! You're not so great after all! Over time, all our brothers and sisters will see who's better, too." I reveled in every little mistake he made, thinking to myself, "Do you have what it takes? Now they'll see you for what you are!" Watching Brother Li resolve others' problems made me jealous. I felt that I had that kind of practical experience too, and if I were team leader, I'd be good at fellowshiping, too. Especially when we were discussing work, no matter what Brother Li suggested, I scrambled to say something more comprehensive and insightful.

I remember in one meeting, while we were discussing ideas for a hymn, Brother Li made a really good suggestion. But I thought if I accepted it, wouldn't that make him look better than me? Then how could I hold my head up? I blurted out a rebuttal and made a different suggestion, but the group ended up going with his idea. It was like a slap in the face. Seeing the brothers and sisters discussing it animatedly, I felt even more opposed to Brother Li, and I didn't have any interest in listening further. I recalled the previous duty I had fulfilled; anyway, I had been team leader, and the brothers and sisters had all looked up to me. But now, I wasn't team leader anymore, and Brother Li was looking better than me at every turn. Had I known this would happen, I wouldn't have come here to fulfill my duty. After the gathering, my thoughts were churning, and I was feeling really dark inside. Vaguely aware that I wasn't in the right state, I prayed to God, and this passage of His words came to mind: "I have a profound knowledge of the impurities in the hearts of each created being, and before I created you, I already knew of the unrighteousness that existed deep in the human heart, and I knew all the deception and crookedness in the human heart. Therefore, even though there are no traces at all when people do unrighteous things, I still know that the unrighteousness harbored within your hearts surpasses the richness of all things that I created. Every one of you has risen to the pinnacle of the multitudes; you have ascended to be the ancestors of the masses. You are extremely arbitrary, and you run amok among all of the maggots, seeking a place of ease and attempting to devour the maggots that are smaller than you. You are malicious and sinister in your hearts, surpassing even the ghosts that have sunk to the bottom of the sea. You reside in the bottom of the dung, disturbing the maggots from top to bottom until they have no peace, fighting each other for a while and then calming down. You do not know your place, yet still you battle with each other in the dung. What can you gain from such struggle? If you truly had reverence for Me in your hearts, how could you fight with each other behind My back? No matter how high your status, are you not still a stinking little worm in the dung? Will you be able to sprout wings and become a dove in the sky?" ("When Falling Leaves Return to Their Roots, You Will Regret All the Evil You Have Done" in ). God's words exposed all the ugliness of my vying for name and gain. Since joining that hymn team, I'd been consumed with ambition, dying to achieve something so the brothers and sisters and the leader would all think highly of me and I could get a foothold in the team. During the selection process, I had tried to use my wits to my own advantage, getting the leader to hold an interim election based on the duties we had fulfilled in the past. I became jealous when Brother Li was chosen, and harbored a competitive attitude toward him. When I saw some issues in his work, I didn't uphold the church's interests or try to help him, but was just dying for him to be replaced because of incompetence, which would give me a shot at being team leader. I was mired in the satanic dispositions of intrigue and seeking name and gain, and my actions were completely devoid of conscience or reason. It was truly despicable and toxic. I was so upset and really reproached myself when I realized this. I prayed to God and asked Him to guide me to practice the truth so I would no longer be bound and constrained by my corrupt, satanic disposition.