grief

And just, like that they're gone...

 The entire time we'd always try to pin ourselves onto one category on this scale that's supposed to tell you how far along in this grieving process you are. You'd think I'd be angry at God or blame her death on someone else for no absolute reason like her colleagues. To be honest, I was angry at myself for letting me momentarily believe that she was still living and breathing only to be killed by the reality that she wasn't around anymore. The pain that rushed in two-fold, that sometimes came out nowhere.‌ Even now, where you don't know when grief is going to attack so you just build walls until you are this skyscraper of defense mechanisms. All built on a foundation of sand that's bound to fall over any second, so you're frozen in time because you genuinely don't want to go through the hurt of everything. So you just stay still in this time loop of panic so everything stays as it is because you rather feel this pain then be reminded that you are still a small, broken child.‌‌ That the world is out to get you and your one of your only sources of a good mentor is now six feet under along with the rest of the sinners that actually deserve to be there. It's really a slap to the face, a wake-up call.

 You would think, why would you get so attached to a teacher?‌ Then you realize you saw that person more than your parents and it really puts things into perspective. When she knew you almost as well as your parents and treated you like her own child and each class she taught was this family that always grew and grew. Soon you have this city full of skyscrapers but no one's talking about it so we're just coexisting. Until eventually, we're all ruins of the thriving city that once was. That people rush by in small memories that are opened by the smallest object. Even now, watermelon jolly ranchers taste bittersweet, so what am I to do except live with the fact that people come and go even in death. Just hoping I'm not the next victim in this game of life. The constant genuine reminder that six feet under we are all equals that even Jesus was crucified next to sinners. The man that represents everything pure and holy died in the presence of worldliness makes you question the situational irony that just seems to be a coincidence but you feel like it's not. It's really weird when you have this important person alive one day but then the next they're not there, so who is going to fill that empty space? Where once I had to watch her closest friends clean out her room. Who are we to say that I'm in denial or depression or bargaining? I am everything right now. I am everything you're supposed to be and everything you're not. I am stuck in a position where I don't know what to do and I just want to isolate myself because everything hurts less isolated, and yet knowing that everything hurts more in the quiet. So I'll just have to play my own personal lottery to see which one I get.

 Everything is everything and yet nothing. Infinity is all the time in the world but all the time in the world is no time when all the time in the world never ends. I will not be the person I am today, but have grown more from yesterday but I will not be the same person I am today, tomorrow. Constant evolution but I can't seem to shake the fact that someone that impacted my life so much isn't here anymore. I‌ just want to get the whole grief thing over with so I can finally just not feel any more pain, no more surprise attacks. No more jabs to my dignity.

Just peace...for once...please...