chapter 9: i'll go

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It is official

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It is official. I will never be with another man again.

Harry has ruined me.

He has set the bar so dangerously high that I do not believe anyone can ever reach.

After making me forget everything last night he helped me in the shower by washing my hair and body for me, and I did the same for him. He would plant small kisses whenever he could. Granting me small words of affirmations that made me believe I was floating.

I have never liked someone like this. A part of me is telling me that the only reason I feel like this is only because I've never had a boyfriend before. I am so obsessed over these things he is doing because I'm just not used to them.

He feels like the missing part I have searched for my entire life. What I feel for him is more than just liking him. It's way more. I just don't know what it is.

It's a shame that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him. Yes, he said he had a small crush on me but that really doesn't mean much. I've had plenty of "small crushes." Those are the meaningless ones that you have for only a short period of time before getting bored.

He would get bored soon. I think I have too many issues. I have mommy and daddy issues, body issues, eating issues, head issues, the list goes on and on.

I grew up in a household full of hatred, he couldn't want to be with someone like me.

He on the other hand grew up in a house hold full of love. He tells me stories all the time of things him, his mother, and his sister would do.

No stories included his father.

I have heard very little about him, only things consisting of how they don't talk anymore, he doesn't like him, and him and his new family can go fuck themselves.

Harry and his entire family moved to Laguna from England when the winter he turned 16, that summer his father admitted to having an affair with a woman from the other side of the country. He completely left them. He sent money to not only provide for his children but for his ex-wife as well but besides that, no communication occurred. His father is some sort of business man so he makes a good deal of money and because of that Harrys mother didn't work.

The price to live in Laguna is insane so his mother, his 20 year old sister, and him all got jobs to continue living there.

They all scrapped enough money combined with the money his father sent to keep their house up and running but there were not enough for luxuries like new clothing all the time, the newest phones, and even just fresh produce. From time to time they would live off of frozen meals but they were all happy with each other.

Harry started going to visit his father when he was 17 and stopped going when he turned 19. He would spend the summer with his father learning business tactics and meeting girls. He said how much he loved going to Maine because he loved the atmosphere there, it suffocated me.

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