Raven

Lola

Chapter 14 - Falling Upwards

Love is delicate. Like a china bowl being dropped onto a surface, it shatters, leaving only the scars on our hearts. The remains of a journey, a long journey. Now broken, it has no place here, and it will never have a place here again.

I suppose Clark's departure left Matthew and I broken under the surface. But, of course we continued to act. I do love him though, however I am guilty of having my heart stolen by his younger brother as well. Although I belong here in Matthew's arms, even though I feel the guilt flowing through every word I say to him.

We lie together in his pale blue room, and we talk. Talk about the future. The one thing we both have. And the one thing we will not let our past mistakes take over.

"So where now?" His voice quavers a little, "Are we still going to you know..."

"Be together?" Oh my God, Matt's so adorable sometimes.

"Yes."

"You're going red," I said. That only made him blush more with embarrassment. I couldn't help giggling, he looked so appealing laying spawned out on the bed. "How about the sea? You know, somewhere quiet." I leant close almost whispering the last few words, brushing my lips against his face, and kissing his red checks, staining them with my rogue lipstick.

"Why not?" Matthew paused, it was almost as if he was plucking up the courage to say the next sentence, "Maybe we could even settle down," He hesitated, "children maybe?"

How could he know me so well when we have only known each for a month or so? We haven't even really gotten to known each other at all. Before I knew it, we were wrestling under the covers, gosh, I loved him. I just wish I did not feel so guilty all the time.

Matt began to tickle me, "Stop it," I yelped with glee as his hand gently brushed against my back. Our love was a cruel fate, but one which we -I mean I- had to follow. It worked for everyone. Everyone meaning it would not cause any inconvenience with the rest of the team. If I found someone else, I could never truly be with them, I would never belong with them because they could never know the truth about me and my life. So, what's the point in loving someone who would only know the Lola who was hidden behind a layer of bullet proof metal and firewalls, when I can have love now. Only now could someone break down those barricades which I built so many years ago.

We finally broke away, I could breathe again, and I felt free.

"I think we need to work on your laugh," that is a slightly random thing for Matthew to say right now. He snorted whilst trying to conceal his laughter, "You see, you've been laughing for ages." I was laughing? But I wasn't even paying attention to our play fights, I can't even remember what happened.

"Hey, I didn't mean to," I tried to pull a cute, innocent, angry face like the one I used to pull when I was jokingly being angry with my father, but I had lost my innocence a long time ago.

"You know, I love you. I truly do." God, I am not in the mood for sappy love lines today, for the first time in forever, actually. I can't stop thinking of Clark, and his eyes rolling into his skull. The emptiness of my screams as I realised what had happened. The guilt. The guilt. He died because of me. I loved him and I slept with his brother who I love as well. I love Clark. But I love Matthew more, I feel my love for him being barred up by my love for Clark. My chain of thoughts broke suddenly as Matthew kissed me tenderly, this startled me to realise that I had to reply otherwise Matt might start to fuss. You see, Matt can tell when I'm thinking about Clark, and when I'm replaying his death again, and again, and again in my mind.

"I love you too."

The silences marched into the room, invading every nook and cranny. We just lay there looking up the barren ceiling.

"Why don't you marry me?"

Speechless. That's the only way in which I can describe myself at this moment. I can fill all my thoughts piling up inside me, because I know that one day, I will no longer feel this way. The team. I tell myself. The team need this to work. I want it to work too.

So I open my mouth, and utter two words which seal my fate, "Why not?"

Our lips connect, the electricity flowing through our bodies collide. I feel the adrenaline rush up inside me, whilst the fear of the consequences loom somewhere in my mind.

The sun began to sink under the white bed of clouds as I slowly shimmed my black dress off. I gracefully walked across the cold, dark floor, slipping in between the icey blue covers. My head touched the pillow, I could feel myself falling into my thoughts and emotions.

One day. One day. One day, years will have passed, days will have flown by, hours strike down, and minutes tick by. They harden their blow every time. And a long-time will have past, we would have begun to realise that all along we have been pretending that love exists in a world full of turmoil and hate.

I heard Matthew slip between the covers. Matthew. I was thinking about him. Him and our fate.

Every time, a second has beaten us down, we try to stand but fall. Life is unfair, it is the cruel master who will stop at nothing to harm those who waste their time.

"Clark! Clark!" I screamed, I could see him lying there. "Clark, Clark can you hear me! Clark, wake up!"

My body collapsed, my mind began to slowly shut down, I am afraid, petrified, because I am suddenly aware of an chilling hand rubbing my back.

"Lola, you're okay. Just relax." Matthew was there coaxing me, I was a baby again, frightened in this new world.

The challenges, we are given, some of which will never be completed. And we wonder, wonder all the time: how. How do we survive? How do we keep on walking down the same path? Over the same dirt road, again and again, until we have the blisters of life covering every inch of our bodies. We try to turn down another path to a cleaner one, but that path doesn't exist. It will only ever exist in our minds, our imaginations because we will never, ever be capable to work as one, one group of humans, one family. It will never be possible because that's life's fate, hate is the emotion which keeps us fighting. Not love, love is not capable of holding on to everything.

I lost Clark. One day, I will also lose Matthew. Along with Hardison, Alpha, Wisty and Shadow. We have already experienced too much loss.

You will lose everything one day, and one day you will have no defence anymore. That's why years pass, days fly by, hour strike punches into you, and minutes continue to fade away.