not okay {ziam}

twenty-seven*

trigger warning

{twenty-seven}

alive, for now

-

when i'm against the wall and my pants are on the floor, it occurs to me that maybe i'm the problem here.

because i can't even pretend to be virtuous when zayn is between my legs and fucking into me without relent. i'm taking great pleasure in how hard he thrusts his hips against mine and the animalistic look on his face as he clasps my flesh close. his eyes are half hooded and the muscles in his shoulders work to hold me up. i don't know how we got to this point, from one moment i'm terrified of him and the next i'm unable to stop the noises spilling out of my mouth. he looks more menacing than before, when he's inky hair falls over his face and sweat glistens across his bare chest, riddled with fine lines tattooed across his golden skin.

zayn is completely detached from any affection towards me and somehow i don't mind being used for a hate fuck.

i'm holding onto the shelf beside me and i have one foot planted on the floor, trying to reign in some sort of control. but it's no use, i'm pressed up against the door and zayn doesn't look like he wants to take this slow. his hands pull my legs further apart and my breath is taken away from me, as i try to adjust to the position. my chest is red and i'm stuttering out an exhale, struggling to breathe when zayn looks the way he does. my body feels split open and all i can do is pant out pathetic noises and let him use me in the way he wants.

because -- somewhere deep inside of me, where only zayn knows -- there's a part of me that wants this as well. i just couldn't say it aloud. i couldn't admit that i liked this, i liked when he wrecked me and made it sting.

his eyes are black and vacant and there's a vein protruding from his neck, as sweat paints his bare stomach. i refuse to look at him, because i'm afraid if i do i'll lose control and whatever this is between us will come crashing down onto the cork tiling below us. the light above is beginning to flicker and my pulse is vibrating through my sternum, searching for release, yet too alert to let go.

all i can bring myself to do is focus on the way he pounds into me against the wall, using all of his agility to fuck me into the angle he wants. his dick is swollen when he pulls out briefly and the hair that travels down his navel is oddly thrilling. it's as if i'm with someone else, a total stranger, who only needs me to get him off. there's isn't a single trace of tenderness swimming in his brown eyes, he's strictly clinical and unfeeling. glaring down at what he's doing to me, laser steady on reaching his orgasm whether i join or not.

forcing myself to turn away, i rest my cheek against the wall letting the side of my face stick to the cement. my body is beginning to feel numb and everything is beginning to whir past my vision, sending me into a tremble. i feel like i'm suffocating as the pain that shoots up my spine intoxicates me enough to lose all my senses. zayn feels my body begin to slip and quickly hoists his hand around my thigh, slowing down his relentless push inside of me. he waivers and i'm beginning to fight for air, gazing at the exit.

zayn leans forward and his hand burns into the smallest part of my waist, as my eyes flutter closed. his voice is foreign to my ears, as he mutters ferally, "you take it so well."

it feels like a larger compliment than what it actually is, and somehow, there's a flame of confidence that ignites through me.

a needy sound spills past my lips that his fingers briefly touch, pulling my chin towards him. it shouldn't make me feel euphoric when he murmurs a brutish couple of words into my ear, sinking his fingernails into the thicker flesh below my spine. splitting my ass apart roughly and letting his eyes roll into the back of his head, unable to control himself. his question rings through me, looping through my mind and tying me up into knots.