not okay {ziam}

twenty

{twenty}

a hazy night

-

there's a sizzle and a hiss, a pop of intensity across the backs of my eyelids. i feel my father's presence more than anything, like the scent of mold growing infectiously along the fissures of my skull. my damaged bone marrow has become accustomed to the punches and hits, yet the sudden hammer of my heart rate always blurs my vision into a watery haze. i could disappear into another world when he beat me, but the fear that remains in my bloodstream flows through me like a lethal poison. dissociating was the easy part, however, the terror that stuck to my skin felt like molasses.

"do you have any idea what time it is?" his voice is full of viscous guarantee as my body sinks into the wet grass underneath me. suddenly i feel cold, freezing actually, as my flesh raises with tiny bumps across my arms and legs. his question is enough of a threat to cause my breath to slip from my throat, as my hands roam across my shoulders for protection. within seconds, the intense sounds of waves crash over me and seep into my eardrums flooding my hearing.

my mouth is forming words before my brain can keep up, as the intake of my heart rate causes the stars above to soar, "i'm sorry."

"get up." he seethes out and i squeeze my eyes shut, "get the fuck off my lawn!"

whispers slither past me and my body convulses slightly, fearfully and involuntarily, "i can't."

my knees curl up into my chest and i cover my face, feeling the wrath of my father's rage pulsating through the earth beneath me. my shirt is wet and muddy, sticking to my skin, and suddenly i feel shieldless and exposed. his voice waivers from a shrill of warning to a restless murmur, as everything inside of me trembles. like the harsh snap of lightning, he perils, "if you don't get up in three god damn seconds..."

"i-i can't get up." i fumble, as my body tremors and seizes with the climax of the strong drug i'm experiencing. i can't feel my feet or my legs and suddenly i just feel like puking. my skull rattles with peculiar delusions and hazy paranoia, as the soggy mud against my skin feels like tiny little ants biting into my flesh. the hoarseness of my voice radiates through me, as i beg my father to just leave me alone. i couldn't -- i wouldn't be able to get through it tonight. like prey to him, i stutter pleadingly, "i'm sorry, i just c-can't."

he promises without uncertainty, "then i'll fucking make you." and just like that, i feel his boot clamp down on my hair and press down. he uses all of his force on my head, as my body becomes electrified with the throbbing across my skull.

"dad, please -- it hurts." pain sizzles across my scalp as he steps on the strands of my hair and tears. he uses all of his force as i try to stay as still and motionless as possible to stop him from pulling. whimpers ripple from my lips as i gape up from the ground at the dark sky. it felt like torture, amplified by the psychedelic and sinking into the pours adorning my body. my lungs shrivel into the size of small stones and the night once so divine shifts into a nightmarish incursion. i hoped that i would lose consciousness so that i wouldn't have to go through this lucidly. as he glares at from above, my father resembles a monster as his lips curl with gratification. he twists his foot and i scream, my hands scrambling towards my head to try and ease the agony.

however, as i stare at him in those moments of defeat, his body unexpectantly lights up with this spectacular light. it's as if a star had expanded and everything became so clear. i can see everything, the redness of his puffy face and the resentment in his dull eyes. everything is suddenly illuminated, the house behind him and the dew across the grass.  the sound of an engine screeches to a stop from the entrance of my father's property and it's then i realize, it's coming from a car's headlights. i can't move my head to look, all i can see is the palpable alarm shining across my old man's face. it feels surreal as the light singes into the both of us, like a bright beam from the sky decided to fixate onto my exigency. as if someone up above had been looking out for me, like i meant enough for something or someone to save me just this once. yet, i know i'm only being hopeful -- the thought still comforted me that maybe in the light, my father couldn't treat me the way he does in the darkness. a car door slams and the sound of footsteps saunter towards us quickly as if it were a dream.