Disappointment

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My life has been going down hill. The binder arrived, I was so excited. I tried to put it on and it was so tiny. I couldn't even wear it. I told my father I needed to return something, he went and told my mother. She is returning it- I don't think I outed myself but last night she said "we need to talk" But it was late at night so we didn't. I have not cut my hair yet, I am procrastinating. 

I have a piano/voice lesson after school today. I don't really like my voice lessons beca use I hate my voice and I hate singing in front of people. I also don't like my piano lessons because I get angry when I repeatedly do something wrong. 

I think I will take a mental break. Maybe write a bit more, rest... I don't know. It's spring though! It's getting warmer out. My dad takes me on car rides in his topless convertible. I think its fun to play the radio while driving through the country side. He's in Boston 6 hours away now though. I wonder if I will lose that when I come out. Maybe my family would be awkward around me. Maybe they would stop loving me as much. I don't know. 

My mom didn't give me dinner yesterday. I sleep on the floor when my dad is gone. I don't sleep in my room because I get panic attacks where I can't breathe. Its okay though because when I have to sleep there, I just use my phone all night. 

I think that I am fat and ugly. I don't think I will look good as a boy, or a girl. I am just ugly. I don't like myself. I decided to eat hardly anything after today. Maybe if I write a poem I will feel better


Goodnight brain, that makes me hate myself

goodnight eyes, that force me to look in the mirror

goodnight mouth, that says the wrong name

Goodnight chest, that makes me want to die

Goodnight heart, that everyone breaks

goodnight stomach, that will stay empty

goodnight legs, that don't look masculine at all

goodnight arms, that have scratches up and down

goodnight hands, that write this poem

goodnight nails, that I bite when I'm nervous

goodnight body, I hate you


Just a short dysphoria poem! Thats all right now. 

-Alastor Epione

Tuesday, March 23, 2021




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