My life has been going down hill. The binder arrived, I was so excited. I tried to put it on and it was so tiny. I couldn't even wear it. I told my father I needed to return something, he went and told my mother. She is returning it- I don't think I outed myself but last night she said "we need to talk" But it was late at night so we didn't. I have not cut my hair yet, I am procrastinating.
I have a piano/voice lesson after school today. I don't really like my voice lessons beca use I hate my voice and I hate singing in front of people. I also don't like my piano lessons because I get angry when I repeatedly do something wrong.
I think I will take a mental break. Maybe write a bit more, rest... I don't know. It's spring though! It's getting warmer out. My dad takes me on car rides in his topless convertible. I think its fun to play the radio while driving through the country side. He's in Boston 6 hours away now though. I wonder if I will lose that when I come out. Maybe my family would be awkward around me. Maybe they would stop loving me as much. I don't know.
My mom didn't give me dinner yesterday. I sleep on the floor when my dad is gone. I don't sleep in my room because I get panic attacks where I can't breathe. Its okay though because when I have to sleep there, I just use my phone all night.
I think that I am fat and ugly. I don't think I will look good as a boy, or a girl. I am just ugly. I don't like myself. I decided to eat hardly anything after today. Maybe if I write a poem I will feel better
Goodnight brain, that makes me hate myself
goodnight eyes, that force me to look in the mirror
goodnight mouth, that says the wrong name
Goodnight chest, that makes me want to die
Goodnight heart, that everyone breaks
goodnight stomach, that will stay empty
goodnight legs, that don't look masculine at all
goodnight arms, that have scratches up and down
goodnight hands, that write this poem
goodnight nails, that I bite when I'm nervous
goodnight body, I hate you
Just a short dysphoria poem! Thats all right now.
-Alastor Epione
Tuesday, March 23, 2021
YOU ARE READING
12 years
NezařaditelnéThe story of 12 years. This story follows me in my discovery of myself and how I handled it. From friendships and first crushes, to getting my first binder. Follow me in my journey of being the person I always was meant to be. Saturday, February 20...
