12 years

Broken

   I started reading fan fiction. Mostly DNF. I read "Heatwaves" and I am currently reading "Flowers From 1970". I like reading these. It makes me feel happy, but lonely. I watch the MCYT and wish I had friends like them. I mean I have one. We got platonically married on Saturday. That was fun. We played heatwaves in the background and got into Dream and George cosplay. Of course I was dream, I mean I have the hair, the eyes, the personality. Haha. 

   I like the song Heatwaves by glass animals. Its very relatable. For a while there has been a heatwave, and the day I sent a confession...they stopped. Yeah I sent a confession to someone I like. But I deleted it. It hasn't rained for two weeks. Its not like I am in a dry climate anyways. It drizzled a bit- but it was to humid to go splash in puddles or anything. 

  I get this "smell" its like a mix of sunscreen, makeup stuff, and everything else. It gives me deja vu. Like, I know it was somewhere important in my life. But now when I smell it, it only makes me sad. Sometimes it just happens. I was at a horse back riding lesson...like full of horses and manure. I couldn't smell a thing. Just the deja vu feeling. I feel all the emotions when I smell it. It makes me lonely, but also happy. And I smell it so often it smells like familiarity. 

  I have not been eating either. Just don't feel up to it for some reason. My dad bought sushi, my favorite food, and I hardly ate anything. Maybe I just lack personal emotions right now. I sent a confession....and that was the last time I really felt much. 

    I feel like I'm to young to feel everything that I do...like maybe if i had my own place, lived somewhere on my own. I could live my best life. You know what, I have my sights set. I am moving out as soon as I get the chance. and once I do so, I will use my own money to buy a gaming set up. I will invite my best friend. And we will live how we want. We will make videos and make friends. I don't want a long term thing. Thats not my kind of thing I guess.(a lie I told) But, I don't want nothing. I don't know what I want. My birthday is in a month. I don't even know what I want for that. Not even knowing what physical object you want...makes knowing what feelings you need...so much harder. I cant stand this anymore. I just can't. 

   I used to wish I had one very best friend. But then I sat and wondered. Is that what I wish? Is that all I want or need in life. Why am I reaching for nothing I can grab onto. Like I don't know why but I feel like i have been picked up by a tornado...and I guess I feel like there is nothing to grab onto. This stupid deja vu shit, this fan fic reading that leaves me feeling worse than before, this...seeing other people have what I want. this deep longing for something. that I know I will never get. Or know what I'm even longing for anymore.  

I know I will never have friends who love what I love. I know I will never be able to call someone cute, or ask them if they love me jokingly. I know that I will never be able to say "I love you"(be it a joke or not) without a raised eyebrow or a uncomfortable remark. I know I will never live how I want to. I know I will never look how I want to. And I really know, I will never ever love how I want to. I want...I don't know what I want..

Sorry it's been so long since I last updated. 

-Alastor Epione

Monday, May 3, 2021